Greetings sister,
Thanks for asking about how to recover from that common, aftermath feeling of an argument with your husband. This is something each of us wives can relate to.

You, in your ultimate wisdom and brilliance have the power and skills to turn this all around. Your marriage will have dozens more times of this happening and its OK! The key is to look at these cold shoulder moments as a distancing mechanism. Relationships need distance from time to time. I heard someone once say “what’s missing in most marriages is the missing.”

Arguing is what we do when we are too afraid to expose our heart to our husbands. Arguing is only our ego protecting us. What lies underneath the arguing is a scared, vulnerable heart not ready to be expressed.

The very best thing you can do for your relationship is to find out what pain you were trying to cover up when you were arguing and then step into a state of bravery and expose that to him. This can only be done if you are 100% sure, your ego will not flare. Exposing ourselves to our husbands is a gift, we get to accept we aren’t perfect and he sees beauty in your bravery.

When there is an obvious pulling away in my relationship, I honour it. I use it as a reflection time.

A woman’s ego prevents us from accessing intimacy with our husband. If we are afraid of being intimate (connecting and or exposing our love) our ego will be present in our relationship.

Showing our children the many ways of being intimate is the ultimate gift we can give them. Here are some baby steps towards becoming more intimate with your husband, children and friends.

Look at them; wait and when they catch you looking, smile and hold that gaze; feel the connection. (POWERFUL)
When you walk past him, run your finger across his shoulders/back, slowly.
All acts of generosity are acts of intimacy; caring for a loved one’s needs and acting on them without any expectation of anything in return.

These three things will bring great depth to any relationship.

It’s ok for our children to see us distancing from their daddy, what’s most important is that they see you coming back towards him, and then seeing you kiss after the storm has passed. Our children should see this dozens of times during their childhood. This teaches them that it ok to distance, and that coming back to each other is a choice.

Something I have implemented into my relationship is once a month, a week before my period, I say to my husband, “Honey, I’m going to be getting my period in about a week and so, I could use a little space.” This has been a profound act of superb relationship management on my part.(If I do say so myself). This actually builds in that distancing mechanism without an argument doing it for me. Arguments are our ego protecting our hearts, so I’d rather implement exposing my heart and having a structure of distancing as a form of managing my relationship successfully.

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So I thought it was only fair that if I’m asking you, my loyal Womensville family to expose yourself and your personal problems, that it would only be fair that I do the same. Let me tell you a little more about  me, and my marriage.

I’ve attended lots of personal development workshops, courses, programs, women’s groups as well as read most popular, self improvement books that have helped me become the woman I am today. I have no regrets on any of them.

It’s been quite fun, exciting and relatively easy over the years growing and improving myself ….until now!

Last year, I decided to attend my churches 12 step program called “freedom session”. We’re located in the city and have regular recovering visitors looking for hope.  I was so impressed that our pastors and leaders completed the course that I thought, “How could I not also humble myself enough to take the course?”  This cool young pastor said, “We’re all in recovery.”

 This intrigued me. So I went. How hard could it be? I know all about how to be a good participant in a course. It’ll be great, fun, exciting…I’m in!

This has been one of the most excruciating courses I’ve ever done. Not only is it over nine months long, every week, with ridiculous amounts of homework, but also has required me to expose things about myself to the group that no one else knows about me. I’m talking stuff I was planning on taking to the grave stuff. Yah, tough.

After lots of work, I finally was divinely lead to a place of coming clean with my husband about how I had been holding myself back from giving all of myself to him. I told him that I was forever done with blaming him for my irresponsible actions and that I was truly sorry for the stuff I had mismanaged in the past.

Yes, it was a day that I decided to put on my big girl panties and act like a grown up girl… woman.

 
I can honestly say and mean it when I say ” he owes me nothing”. Only I am responsible for me. Only I can seek answers to my own personal problems, from the past or where ever they were born from.

What he does or doesn’t do for himself is not up to me. He’s on his own journey too. The best I can do is be a good example. 

Just before having this conversation with himI had written a letter to God telling him that I forgave my husband for everything I had felt he had done to hurt me. I listed everything and it was long. I gave it to God and declared that my husband owed me NOTHING. I admited that there were some character defects in myself that I am committed to changing and would appreciate a little help. I was going to continue doing what I knew worked with my husband and I was committed to never having any more secrets. No more lies, not even little white ones.
You want to know what he said after telling him all of this? And yes, he didn’t see any of this coming, he was sitting there shocked as I spoke with the greatest of humbleness and maturity.
He walked over to me, kissed me on the top of my head and said, “Nothing’s changed, I love you as much today as I did yesterday.” Oh, and then he said, “You did a really good  job, because I had no idea anything was wrong.”

The benefit I see in risking, exposing and taking ownership for ourselves is that we eliminate the chance of atrophy of the heart.

By risking, we make room for our husbands to be our heroes. The benefit in risking is that we get to be responsible. (Oh joy).  We get to share our hopes and dreams with the man we fell in love with and include him in the process of making those dreams a reality.

Risking shows my kids a real life example of a woman living what she says she wants.  All of what I really want in life requires me to take risks.

 Risking in a marriage, exercises not only our heart and soul, but the heart and soul of our relationship.

Of course the key is that the risking is done responsibly. I feel confident that if I use the formula of communicating without my ego, and talking about my responsibility or lack there of,  I will find solutions to whatever problem comes my way.
Sure, it will still be scary, that’s why it’s called a risk.

I’ve always known intellectually that if I’m not risking in my marriage that it would not grow. What I didn’t realize was that it (my marriage) working fine (f.i.n.e) actually meant it was slowly, very slowly, d-y-i-n-g.

My ego was the reason why my so-called risk taking always seemed to blow up in my face. It’s funny because by nature I am a risk taker. I think I was just afraid of being hurt by my husband.

I wanted to share this with you so that you don’t put me on some sort of pedestal. I’ve had my share of heart ache and have been irresponsible from time to time. I’ve had many thoughts of thinking I married the wrong man. Today, and for who knows how long (maybe the mere fact that it’s spring)  it will last, I have never felt more in love with my husband. It’s funny, because he really hasn’t changed. But I have. Lots.

Today I feel like that woman he met while we were courting. I like her.

I heard someone once say “life is recovery”. I’m beginning to see what they mean.
Doing it alone can’t be an option my friend. You are too valuable to be doing it alone. It; meaning life.

 Reality:A woman who thinks she deserves to be treated like queen is a woman in her ego. Your ego will kill that relationship, before the first date is over. A woman who is engaged in her own life’s purpose, who is generous and kind will be treated like a Queen, because she deserves to be; not because she knows it, but because he does. 

Some women have let their nights in shining armor fly past them, because of this adolescent attitude.  If you have landed yourself a great boyfriend, who has all the makings of a great provider, then start treating him like a King, and surely he will want to make you his Queen.