Relationship Q&A
"I'm not happy."
December 17, 2009 by · 2 Comments
Self-doubt and depression are your own personal villains. If Low Self Esteem is all about acting and feeling needy, the opposite of that must be feeling and acting generous.
No matter how low a woman’s life can be, the minute she performs a generous act of kindness her entire day can be filled with joy. I know a woman who goes to the drive through for coffee on her way to work, just so that she can secretly pay for the person behind her and then carry those feelings of goodness into her day. I realize it is incredibly hard to get out of the darkness of doubt and depression sometimes, especially if your life is in that pit more than you wish it were.
One of the ways, I know, that my attitude needs an adjustment , is if I find myself answering questions kind of cheeky and sarcastic or if I’m not trusting the motives behind someone questioning me. Knowing ourselves, and identifying what we are doing that just doesn’t work, is the only way to make tomorrow a little bit better.
I agree, doing something for someone else (especially if it surprises them) like bringing muffins to a neighbour or buying someone their favourite sweet, does lift your spirits, as does writing a letter (not an email) does help me. I’ve struggled with depression all of my life and most of that has to do with my negative self talk and turning everything into a guilt trip – worrying how I look to others. Example: I am always on time for things, but one morning I was late for an early morning meeting, knew I was late before I arrived, the guilt starts, go into my meeting, no one says anything, but I feel guilty and am sure that everyone is judging me. This feeling stays with me for two or three days (Can’t even get to a meeting on time, can you?, You’re a loser, you had to bother someone to catchup on what you missed, don’t you do anything right?) But in reality, a couple of people have been late to the meetings on different occassions, and I didn’t judge them as a loser, or dumb or anything else. So why do I judge myself so harshly?? Women in general focus more on their little mistakes, (I didn’t get the laundry done, the floor mopped, whatever and guilt whip ourselves to death!) It doesn’t matter that we wrote a book, raised our children alone, cared for stray animals and people, bring joy and love into others’ lives, we were late for a monthly meeting.
I’ve talked to a few men about this “guilt” thing and so far none of them feel guilty about anything. They have the attitude or inner belief that they do their best and if they make a mistake or forget something, that is just being human. I on the other hand, feel guilty if I have a nap during the day, miss work even if I am throwing up. We let the little things guilt us to death – but in a crisis we are surprisingly strong! I’ve been working on changing my thought patterns in the last few months and it has made a huge difference. Lots of good books out there to help you too.
You are great, you are precious and special and you are Woman!!
I hear ya Deborah. We are our own worst enemies. Men are simple that way aren’t they? I wish women were made as black and white as men, but then if that were the case, no children would live past the age of two.
A few years ago, I realized that my obsession with being on time, was keeping women from really getting to know me. Rather than exposing the truth that I didn’t have my act together before the meeting. I would arrive a minute or two early, in a total frazzled but showing no signs of stress. I didn’t realize this kept women at a distance from me. I was just happy that I was on time. So anyway, I made a commitment that if I’m running late (as humans do) I will not speed to get to where I’m going and will suffer the consequences whatever they may be, and yes that means whatever suffering I put on myself with guilt!
Having a list of positive affirmations close at hand really works when we slip down the slope of guilt. It helps us remember that we are treasured gifts to the world, and that it is normal to make mistakes.
Hold your head high sister. You are a good woman. And a great writer. You need to be writing more here at Womensville! I know I’ll be looking forward to reading more from you. If you have a book you have written please do tell us about it. Maybe someone would like to get their hands on a copy. If you haven’t written one, perhaps it’s time.
Big Smiles,
Andrea MacLeod.