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Getting to know me, getting to know you…

So I thought it was only fair that if I’m asking you, my loyal Womensville family to expose yourself and your personal problems, that it would only be fair that I do the same. Let me tell you a little more about  me, and my marriage.

I’ve attended lots of personal development workshops, courses, programs, women’s groups as well as read most popular, self improvement books that have helped me become the woman I am today. I have no regrets on any of them.

 

It’s been quite fun, exciting and relatively easy over the years growing and improving myself ….until now!

 

Last year, I decided to attend my churches 12 step program called “freedom session”. We’re located in the city and have regular recovering visitors looking for hope.  I was so impressed that our pastors and leaders completed the course that I thought, “How could I not also humble myself enough to take the course?”  This cool young pastor said, “We’re all in recovery.”

 This intrigued me. So I went. How hard could it be? I know all about how to be a good participant in a course. It’ll be great, fun, exciting…I’m in!

This has been one of the most excruciating courses I’ve ever done. Not only is it over nine months long, every week, with ridiculous amounts of homework, but also has required me to expose things about myself to the group that no one else knows about me. I’m talking stuff I was planning on taking to the grave stuff. Yah, tough.

After lots of work, I finally was divinely lead to a place of coming clean with my husband about how I had been holding myself back from giving all of myself to him. I told him that I was forever done with blaming him for my irresponsible actions and that I was truly sorry for the stuff I had mismanaged in the past.

Yes, it was a day that I decided to put on my big girl panties and act like a grown up girl… woman.

 
I can honestly say and mean it when I say ” he owes me nothing”. Only I am responsible for me. Only I can seek answers to my own personal problems, from the past or where ever they were born from.

What he does or doesn’t do for himself is not up to me. He’s on his own journey too. The best I can do is be a good example. 

 

Just before having this conversation with himI had written a letter to God telling him that I forgave my husband for everything I had felt he had done to hurt me. I listed everything and it was long. I gave it to God and declared that my husband owed me NOTHING. I admited that there were some character defects in myself that I am committed to changing and would appreciate a little help. I was going to continue doing what I knew worked with my husband and I was committed to never having any more secrets. No more lies, not even little white ones.
You want to know what he said after telling him all of this? And yes, he didn’t see any of this coming, he was sitting there shocked as I spoke with the greatest of humbleness and maturity.
He walked over to me, kissed me on the top of my head and said, “Nothing’s changed, I love you as much today as I did yesterday.” Oh, and then he said, “You did a really good  job, because I had no idea anything was wrong.”

The benefit I see in risking, exposing and taking ownership for ourselves is that we eliminate the chance of atrophy of the heart.

 

By risking, we make room for our husbands to be our heroes. The benefit in risking is that we get to be responsible. (Oh joy).  We get to share our hopes and dreams with the man we fell in love with and include him in the process of making those dreams a reality.

Risking shows my kids a real life example of a woman living what she says she wants.  All of what I really want in life requires me to take risks.

 Risking in a marriage, exercises not only our heart and soul, but the heart and soul of our relationship.

 

Of course the key is that the risking is done responsibly. I feel confident that if I use the formula of communicating without my ego, and talking about my responsibility or lack there of,  I will find solutions to whatever problem comes my way.
Sure, it will still be scary, that’s why it’s called a risk.

 

I’ve always known intellectually that if I’m not risking in my marriage that it would not grow. What I didn’t realize was that it (my marriage) working fine (f.i.n.e) actually meant it was slowly, very slowly, d-y-i-n-g.

 

My ego was the reason why my so-called risk taking always seemed to blow up in my face. It’s funny because by nature I am a risk taker. I think I was just afraid of being hurt by my husband.

I wanted to share this with you so that you don’t put me on some sort of pedestal. I’ve had my share of heart ache and have been irresponsible from time to time. I’ve had many thoughts of thinking I married the wrong man. Today, and for who knows how long (maybe the mere fact that it’s spring)  it will last, I have never felt more in love with my husband. It’s funny, because he really hasn’t changed. But I have. Lots.

Today I feel like that woman he met while we were courting. I like her.

I heard someone once say “life is recovery”. I’m beginning to see what they mean.
Doing it alone can’t be an option my friend. You are too valuable to be doing it alone. It; meaning life.