Womensville Blog

Divorce for a Fifth Grader

Dear Mom,

Thank you for the care package of goodies that you gave me as part of you and dad’s down-sizing last month. When I saw the heap of art and cards and folders and report cards, it seemed like a bunch of junk. One of the final pieces that I came across was two Journals with a big blue rubber band wrapped tightly around them making it obvious they were to stay together.

Mrs. Montegue. Grade 5. Jenny. Boldly written with a black felt marker. Both books were labeled the same except one had pretty flowers and rainbows and hearts and smiley faces on it.

If Mrs. Montegue did read these two journals I can only hope that it moved her in the same way that it moved me. The darkness and lightness of each book explains a lot about my life and why things are the way they are.  Here I am approaching fourty, coming across this now, was no accident. I was ready to read it. More ready than I could ever be.

The first journal marked September 1982, was first. January 1983 I saved for later. It started out like any 10 year olds typical journal entries, that is if ten year olds still do that. Countless stories about Nevil the family dog and Jaz the girl that lived next door. There was excitment in every page. Joy oozed from each sentence and there didn’t seem to be a care in Jenny’s world. Jenny had big plans to spend her money on only the most special of things, all which were to be shared with Jaz a loyal and precious friend.

Then things started to change.
Jenny’s entries went from a beautiful expressions of joy to short misspelled expressions of concern and confusion. From November 10-Feb 6th there wasn’t one glimps of joy present. At first it started with “Daddy lost his job” the next page “grampa died” followed by “Nevil didn’t mean to eat moms new shoes”. Each day was an expression of concern. No more big plans to buy the Diner Girl Barbiethis month or excitment of the new Mini Pops Album. No discriptions of Jenny and Jaz’ dance routine or plans to go to the pool. It was as though a dark cloud covered Jennys life. Then came  February 7th.

“Aunt Liz is moving in and Daddy’s moving out.” Fits of anger oozed from Jenny’s once perfect handwriting. Anger that Daddy was leaving for no good reason. Anger that her mom said,” it was the right thing to do”.  No one had consulted Jenny with any of this.
On April 14th’s entry Jenny devulged what her mother had told her about why Daddy had left. “He had an affair with another woman.” Jenny continued to explain that she had told mom that she needed to forgive Daddy and that she was sure he didn’t do it on purpose, just like Nevil with the shoes.

Each entry got worse. Jenny hated everyone. Her mother, her Aunt, her Dad and even Jaz.  Jaz had nothing to help Jenny feel better. All Jaz wanted to do was have lemonade stands and think of new dance moves. “What a show off. I was saving up for Diner Girl Barbie First.” 

Some of the journal entries didn’t make any gramatical sense. Some pages had one line that said “I hate you” and then the rest were scribbles and scratches. Some pages were torn out.

Little Jenny’s Aunt Liz died on Labour Day. Jenny wrote about it including details of the funeral. The last page of this book had only four words and three big DOTS…  “Guess What? DADDY’S BACK…”  That was the end of journal number one. I quickly grabbed book two and thinking I’d whip it right open I stared for quite a few minutes looking at all of the hearts and rainbows and flowers even frogs kissing other frogs and a kitten with a big smile on it’s face. I almost didn’t need to read on. It was beautiful.

May 23.
“Daddy came home,” was the opening words. Each day Jenny shared what she talked to her dad about at dinner and about his new job and about Jaz.   Songs of praise rang through each page for many days. Jaz and Jenny were back in the saddle. Not only did Jenny write about Diner Girl Barbiebut how Jaz’s cousin let the girls come and learn to cook french fries at her dads diner.

Curious…no mention about why Dad came back. No signs of Jenny asking her parents for an explination. What mattered was that Jenny was back. Her pages were full. Hearts and flowers bordered paragraph after paragraph. Some pages ran onto the next stating, “I didn’t get time to finish telling you this but..” and she would carry on writing the next day to catch up her exciting news.

Mom, I don’t remember what life was like for you back then. I don’t know the grief, pain and anguish that you went through, or for how long. I didn’t even remember that Grade 5 was the worst year of my life. I am grateful that you didn’t burdon me with your relationship problems and drama. Things got really bad and the only grief I carried was teh few months that Dad left until he came back. Maybe you just needed time to come to your senses. Maybe you wanted Dad to have some time to come to his senses. It doesn’t matter.  I hate to imagine how screwed up my relationships would have been if I had not witnessed you forgiving Dad.

You telling Dad that you forgave him set my life on a path that as been filled with big breaks, big mistakes and a character strength that was given directly to me from you. Grace. Forgiveness. Trust. These three words are the back bone of who I am. My friends, husband and daughter will surely agree. I have had many times where I’ve been repulsed by Dan and then remembered that you too went through this with Dad, and that no way was I going to put Leslie in my shoes. She’s going to have a great 5th Grade and every grade…that is my intention. Dan and I have worked out lots of dilemas…and I love him more than ever.

It shocked me that for a few months my whole world crashed down and in one day it all was all given back to me. That was when I believed there must be a God because you and Dad getting back together was the only thing that mattered.

I got to witness a miracle. Now you are approaching your 50th Anniversary with Dad and I just can’t thank you enough. You are so brave Mom. You are my super hero. You have stood the test of time and have continued to keep a smile on your face. I promise you this. I will never lose hope. I will never throw my marriage out with the bathwater and will always rememeber that if I am in need for a miracle, that forgiveness, grace and trust is the key that opens the door and invites miracles in.

Happy Anniversary Mom. I love you and cherish you.

Jenny.

 

 

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