Greetings sister,
Thanks for asking about how to recover from that common, aftermath feeling of an argument with your husband. This is something each of us wives can relate to.

You, in your ultimate wisdom and brilliance have the power and skills to turn this all around. Your marriage will have dozens more times of this happening and its OK! The key is to look at these cold shoulder moments as a distancing mechanism. Relationships need distance from time to time. I heard someone once say “what’s missing in most marriages is the missing.”

Arguing is what we do when we are too afraid to expose our heart to our husbands. Arguing is only our ego protecting us. What lies underneath the arguing is a scared, vulnerable heart not ready to be expressed.

The very best thing you can do for your relationship is to find out what pain you were trying to cover up when you were arguing and then step into a state of bravery and expose that to him. This can only be done if you are 100% sure, your ego will not flare. Exposing ourselves to our husbands is a gift, we get to accept we aren’t perfect and he sees beauty in your bravery.

When there is an obvious pulling away in my relationship, I honour it. I use it as a reflection time.

A woman’s ego prevents us from accessing intimacy with our husband. If we are afraid of being intimate (connecting and or exposing our love) our ego will be present in our relationship.

Showing our children the many ways of being intimate is the ultimate gift we can give them. Here are some baby steps towards becoming more intimate with your husband, children and friends.

Look at them; wait and when they catch you looking, smile and hold that gaze; feel the connection. (POWERFUL)
When you walk past him, run your finger across his shoulders/back, slowly.
All acts of generosity are acts of intimacy; caring for a loved one’s needs and acting on them without any expectation of anything in return.

These three things will bring great depth to any relationship.

It’s ok for our children to see us distancing from their daddy, what’s most important is that they see you coming back towards him, and then seeing you kiss after the storm has passed. Our children should see this dozens of times during their childhood. This teaches them that it ok to distance, and that coming back to each other is a choice.

Something I have implemented into my relationship is once a month, a week before my period, I say to my husband, “Honey, I’m going to be getting my period in about a week and so, I could use a little space.” This has been a profound act of superb relationship management on my part.(If I do say so myself). This actually builds in that distancing mechanism without an argument doing it for me. Arguments are our ego protecting our hearts, so I’d rather implement exposing my heart and having a structure of distancing as a form of managing my relationship successfully.

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The degree to which you are having a great sex life is the degree to which you are allowing yourself to fully express.

Sex is the only place we get to step into the male language and fully communicate with a man in his dialect. Men speak through actions, this is not new news. Men also communicate with noises, pokes and groans hence the reason I refer, to even des plats elegants of them, as Neanderthals. It’s not meant to offend more so to exaggerate and embrace the rugged and awesome male qualities that our North American culture crushes from the moment men are born.

Let’s pretend your Gspot is on the tip of your elbow. The best way to communicate to him that that indeed is the RightSpot, as he gets even remotely close to your elbow start to moan. As he gets closer, get louder. As he moves away, get quieter. If you want him to stay right there and not move, tap into your inner primal and say YES! These are very clear instructions for a man. For men once success is achieved he will indeed remember how to do it again, only better, because that’s what men do. They do the same things over and over, improving more at each thing so that he can become the best at what he does. This is good when women can embrace the simplicity of men. Watching him get better at what he does is good for us, because we like our men to climb up the status scale and as they continue to succeed that’s precisely what happens.

I know times  have changed, but tapping into that raw, male, female roll-around-on-the-jungle floor-together, kind of communiction is a refreshing place to visit.

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Women were born with the ability to successfully manage relationships. It’s in our feminine genetic make up that falls into the mothering/caring/nurturing/managing the family empire mould.

For those of you who do not know this about men, WE SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE! You know the whole men are from Mars and women from Venus thing? Indeed when we talk, especially about the relationship, men are hearing something completely different,AND their brains are telling them,”don’t believe a word she says, just watch her actions and you’ll see for yourself if what she’s saying is hot air or not.” 

If you want to send him running say this. “Honey, we need to talk about the relationship.” 

You might as well have said, “Honey, I need to pull out your tooth.”In Cantonese.

He’d give you the same look AND pretend he knows what you are talking about. 

Most men know it is dangerous to pretend like he understands the ‘lets talk about the relationship’ conversation. For some men bluffing their way through it by telling her what she wants to hear is the simplest way of ending the conversation as quickly as possible.

Women who date men who have a strong feminine presence, think they’ve hit the jackpot until, time comes when what they really needed was a solid male response to something and what they got was something no more significant than a wet noodle.

This is the time when a woman says, “this relationship just isn’t going to work.”

The best thing a woman can do for herself and the success of her relationship’s future, is step into the role of being 100% in charge and responsible for her relationship. There is no one better or more equipped than her to create the relationship of her dreams. If she’d just stop resisting this fact and embrace it,  all of her dreams would come true.

Here’s the good news. A woman who is confident and happy to be the manager of her relationship will be no threat to her man when she needs to ‘have a little talk’. First off, she’s smart enough to know not to start off the conversation with , “Honey , we need to talk about the relationship.” Instead she would take charge of what needs to get done, and then during ‘the talk’ she’d let him know her plan and assure him that everything is under control and he would say, ‘sounds good to me” regardless of what came out of her mouth.

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Add Sex with your mate to your list of Random Acts of Kindness.

How to never be disappointed with sex is to only have sex when you are wanting to give. Look at it as an act of generosity. When you are in a state of generosity the sex no longer becomes about you it becomes about the other person. Thus you’ll likely have no expectations of anything in return. As we all know that giving with no need for anything in return is one of the richest experiences of our life.

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1. Know what your long term vision is for your relationship

A great way to connect with the women in your life is to organize a night or afternoon where you can create dream boards together, starting by writing out what your long term vision is for your relationship and then building  your dream board from that perspective.

2. Make a list of the things that you did when you were dating that brought love, laughter and joy to your relationship. You know what they are; it’s what had him want you to be his wife. When things aren’t going well, pull out this short list and see what you could do that day and watch your problems melt away.

3. Focus on his Winning Character Traits that had you want to be his wife. Write them down and speak to that man. And he will continue to rise to be that man more and more because you summoned it.

4. Check your ego at the door. Two ego’s in one relationship will destroy! He already has an ego that makes up the sum total of who he is as a man, so do yourself a favor and keep your ego out of your relationship and exercise it else where.

5. Quit making  him wrong. Men hate being made wrong. It’s tied to their ego’s. They can’t help but react violently when made wrong by anyone. A great way to respond to someone who is wrong is, “Hmmm, I never thought of it that way, I’m going to have to give that some thought.” Then let it simmer. This tip gives your ego a chance to simmer down because when we think someones wrong, it’s not us that thinks it, it’s our ego, and we don’t want our ego anywhere near our relationships.

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Today’s Relationship Tip: Better than a shoe sale at Nordstrom’s.

Just like managing money, our relationships need to be managed. Our relationship bank account goes up and down reflective of our generosity or lack there of.

If there is one place I would tell wives to be the most generous, it’s with your life-time mate. Right from the get-go or if you are in need of reviving your whithering marriage, generosity is the only investment that always has a high rate of return. There is no risk when we are being generous; the returns are high and it affects the quality of our daily life and the lives of people we encounter.

A woman who is generous must first be plugged into a state of gratitude or else her generosity will not be sincere.

When life’s daily punches come our way, having a relationship that is built on a foundation of generosity and gratitude,  will help us to recover that much quicker.

Having a rich meaningful relationship with your husband takes years of conscious acts of generosity. Make being generous your friend. Tap into all of what’s in it for you to be generous, and in 10 or 15 years, you’ll be saying, “It was the best thing I ever did for my relationship!”

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Here are some of the topics that women just like you are talking about on the Womensville.com FORUM. You are welcome to comment on any of these. Be brave. Offer your voice and offer your own struggles. We are all women and we all know how it feels to be stuck. We also know how it feels to get unstuck. Success stories are always welcome! Your story could change the life of another.

•    How can I learn to trust myself more? by Dazed and Confused 
•    My friend is breaking my heart! by Martyr’s Friend 
•    TV and Computer Intake Challenge by Andrea MacLeod
•    As you stand in the light of success, be warned the minute you start focusing (at all) on your own needs, you will be whipped off the success track like one of those mass train derailments. I promise you this. by womensville 
• Fantasy: “I want to be able to tell him everything, that’s what real trust is in a relationship.” by womensville 
• Making decisions in your relationship is no place for your emotion filled fantasies. by womensville 
• Turning it around on a dime. Relationship Tension. by Andrea MacLeod
•  Is this a sign of infedelity? by Confused in BC 
• Does he have what it takes? by Lily  
•  Relationship Mentor by Lily  
•  Living Together by Lily 
• Marriage is Seasonal by womensville 
• Going to the next level by WhatToDo 
• It’s all about Perception Baby. He can and IS your Knight, right now. by Andrea MacLeod 
• I can’t take his negative attitude anymore. help! by VancouverGirl 
• Living with Grumpy…any help or opinions would be great! by Sunshine67
• 3 dates and you’re out – do I say so or not? 
• Sister, We Need To Talk by Lynnette 
• What’s Your Bliss? by womensville 
• Dating – when to narrow it down to one by Lily
• Feeling Frustrated by Tania C 
• I cheated on my husband by Girlie Girl 
• Learning about his terms or being walked over? by Lily  

Women need to express all the time. The mere act of expressing is often all a woman needs, to come to her senses and make the necessary changes to get the results she wants.

Sometimes women need to express and be related to, before we can believe that we are not alone and that our problem isn’t unique.

Womensville’s Forum is a place to express whatever is encumbering you.  Womensville.com will respond to all posts like this; We will assume you the reader/listener are already at a place of high self esteem. If the advice given  does not sit well for you ask yourself, “how would I respond to this if I were in a state of high self esteem?” Then decide if taking your self esteem level into your own hands is something you want to do, so that you can access results. This, my friend is what personal coaching is all about. We’re here to help you get results. REAL results.

Before you post something on the forum it will be helpful to you if you first decide if what you want and need is;

a) just a place to vent

b) seeking someone who can relate to you, so that you can access hope and  not feel alone.

c) needing a place to be right

d) ready to access the advice given by womensville, by taking responsibility for raising your level of self esteem, so that the advice can best reach you and give you the results you are looking for.

Womensville. A social networking site for women.

WARNING:
If you end up getting  married, some months or years after putting all this into practice we’re going to need to warn you.
The novelty of being a wife wears off right about the time that you feel like you are having to work harder than your husband does. I’m not talking about away from the home, I’m talking about at the home. One of the unfortunate truths about being a wife and mother is that you are the only one with the skills necessary to successfully manage all that goes on in a busy household; with the kids,  the meals, shopping, as well as balance the cheque book and pay the bills.(wait there’s more)
It can be very easy for a career woman to go down the tubes of bitterness thinking, “why the heck does he get to come home and hit the couch, and I have to pick up the kids, shop, cook, clean, bathe, read stories, clean up human waste, plan birthday parties, go to church, make lunches, (wait there’s more) …
All to get up and do it over again tomorrow, and for some women,  still go to work in amongst all this!? Oh yah, it can really suck, royally at times.  

Parenting has to be one of the most thankless, tiring, unattractive jobs on the planet. Also one of the most rewarding. Thank goodness for cuteness and giggles and first steps and birthday parties, because we surely need something to distract us from smelly diapers, vomit, laundry, dishes and homework. There will be many years where you will be entrenched in motherhood and if you aren’t careful you will surely drown in your bitterness. There is a way to thrive while being amother, and wife, but you’ll have to wait for the next book to read about that.

There are many short term benefits to being successful and doing what works in your relationships.  Keep in mind all of what is suggested here  can be applied to any relationship, although it is particularly useful with your significant other, in this case referring to men, as same sex relationships are not our expertise.

The short term benefit when you do what works is, immense satisfaction when you decided to do the right thing because you knew it was more important than being right. There are no walls of resistance up, which means there is no reason for anyone to argue with you. It’s nice being irresistible. That’s one of my favorite ways to describe women
who I want to grow up to be like.  Doing what works resonates “I’m ready” to the world. Your usual, everyday problems start to appear smaller as your focus moves away from your own needs.

Here are a few of the LONG TERM  results that come with being a responsible, successful woman in the 21st Century.

You get to: live your passion, be generous, have fun, make new friends, be content, be invited to speak about what you are successful at, generously donate to charities, be irresistible,  write a book, go to book signings, take care of your parents, put your kids and grand kids through university, take regular holidays,  volunteer in whatever turns your crank, give because you can, hire personal trainers and coaches, have your own image consultant, go on spiritual retreats, be powerfully feminine, leave a legacy for your children and grandchildren.  You are purpose filled, content and full of peace.  All of the things your heart desires you can have. It takes work though. Make your own list in your journal. Right now if you like.

Women who have to control everything  miss out on the Joy of receiving help from people who care about them. Control is a false sense of feeling successful. Being Confused is the ultimate form of control…that’s a whole separate topic, but for now what we’re getting at is looking at the idea of letting go of control and letting in the love, really enjoying life, and living in a state of gratitude and contentment.

Control and management aren’t foreign to business women. Just as management works in business it also works in relationships. Control only seems to work when…dog training. (Definition of Control: To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over)  

Here are the dominating traits of a controlling woman;

• hard,
• resistant,
• ego driven,
• bossy,
• unreachable,
•  stubborn
 • self centered,
• irresponsible,
• mean,
• pretentious,
• confused.

Control is what brings out the worst in people,it pushes our friends and family away and leaves us feeling empty inside. Above all control is the culprit for us not being able to access our hearts deepest longings.

A bit skeptical about the whole internet dating service method.  There is a lot of excitement from the women we’ve met who’ve been ‘matched up’…soul mate, find  your best friend, matching you with someone compatible… sounds good but?

I think time will tell. I think the advice I’m giving is for all women, no matter how you met your partner. Doing what works, being responsible, and staying in reality instead of fantasy.  Based on what we know about women making decisions with their emotions we suggest you take away all of the emotions behind who you think he is, and see what the facts say about who he actually is. Where he lives, how he keeps his home, the friends he keeps, how responsible he is with money are the crucial elements a woman needs to know when looking for a life long mate.