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Just because I’m mad doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

 

It’s officially fall and I made it through my relationship slump and all is WELL! It’s crazy but it’s the God’s honest truth that my relationship goes through this little ‘blip’ that lasts about two and a half months, right smack dab in the middle of summer.

As a homeschooling mom, who lives in a rainforest 9 months of the year, by the time mid spring rolls around I’m about done with everything. My kids can take a hike, my house’s state of spring cleaning is beyond ignoring and if my husband frets about things getting out of hand in the ‘routine’ department well…he can go unstuck himself! I am literally in a state of “I’m done! Let me enjoy my sunshine, I’ll be back mid September.”

Me thinking that this attitude is actually going to help me have a wonderful summer is embarrassing to admit. I’m such an idiot, I should know better.

I’ve had some insights of ‘self sabotage’ patterns and ‘holding back from ‘having it all’ with a sprinkle of ‘I’m not worthy’. Yah those kind of insights. Ewwww!

As I prepare for a production event I am managing next month, I’ve centered my goals around eliminating these three limiting beliefs and am counting on my team of powerful women to assist in my metamorphosis.

I’m feeling especially grateful that when my marriage is in a slump that I never worry about if we’re going to make it. That isn’t a question I ever ask. The question I ask myself is, “are you still going to love him even if your mad?” “OF COURSE I AM DIMWIT!”

One of the recent things I’ve said to my husband is this, “just because I’m mad doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” This has broken a string of patterns in itself and a tip I think is worthy of charging for. I hope some of you can relate, because sometimes I feel like a freak.
My conclusion is this: Andrea MacLeod needs to go shopping for big girl panties every spring, because she really needs to use em’ during summer or she’s gonna have to live with a grizzly ogre. I declare and vow to change my evil ways next year so that this pattern of destruction is gonzo!
 Thank you for connecting with me today. I am you, and you are me, which means I love you! Keep on keeping on my lovelies.

Andrea.Tweet

Womensville – A Social Networking Site For Women – Looking for Love, Divorce Alternatives, Women’s Studies, Marriage Advice, Dating and Relationship — WordPress

The top 10 ways to heal a broken friendship.

 

The trouble with women:    

The woman with the biggest ego wins, but the woman with the biggest  character succeeds 10 fold.

 

What stands out for me to be a crucial understanding and embrasing of our dark and light sides is this:

* women want to be known
* women compete in relationship
* women in their egos will not yield
* find women you can trust
* find a bigger problem
* do what works

I highly recommend reading this article from the Sunday times in the UK. Good for a chuckle, titled “The trouble with women; forget the fairy tales.”

So if you are ever stuck in a pickle of wondering what to do with a friendship that has gone totally sour for whatever reason, and you can’t seem to move past the pain, here’s some help for you.

The top 10 ways to heal a broken friendship.
10. Take 100% ownership for your wrong doings.
9. Ask for forgiveness and accept whatever their response.
8. speak kindly about her at all times.
7. Stop others from speaking unkindly of her.
6. Trust that your character is being built during this hard time.
5. Be the bigger woman, if she is stuck in not getting over the incident, have the relationship with her on her terms. (this is where big character comes in)
4. The woman with the bigger ego wins, but the woman with the biggest character succeeds 10 fold. (you may never be friends again, but you can be pleasant, kind and generous anyway).
3. Surround yourself with women who will remind you of the wonderful woman that you are.
2. DO NOT FEED the monkeys in your head that are trying to keep you stuck,confused and powerless.
1. Writing her off is what teenagers do so that they can be right,don’t write her off, we’re adults now.

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Lesson #64 Don’t be messin’ with his man-stuff

So the other day I posted how lately I have been pushing the limit on being let off the hook with my behaviour and lack of relationship management because of some events and work commitments I had to complete on. I’ll just get right to the point about what I learned. IF for some reason I need to ask my husband for help because I have deadlines and projects that have become a heavy workload for me, I better make for darn sure I don’t do something as stupid as mess with his man-stuff.

HERE’S THE THING. MEN HAVE VERY LITTLE THEY CAN CALL THEIR OWN ONCE THEY ARE MARRIED.

 He jokes with our boys and says, “What’s her’s is her’s and what’s mine is her’s.” The home is a woman’s domain, it is not and never will be a man-cave. Going to work away from the home is as close to a man cave as he’s gonna get and then when he comes home, he’s not coming home to his safe, familiar, man cave, instead he comes home to a woman’s territory that has no respect for his stuff. He flipped a lid when I didn’t ask him first if I could use his desk as a cake table for my birthday party. “Lighten up” I said “it’s just a table and it was my birthday.” THAT was not the point. It was his table, it was his stuff I moved, and if I would have asked, he would have said yes and everything would be fine. To a woman this makes absolutely no sense. What a freak. But…after thinking about it I thought yah, that was really dumb of me to use something of his without asking him as I’ve known for 20 years that his few things he can call his own, which are less than 5 things, mean a lot to him.

So, wake up call number 64, “NEVER USE ANY OF MY HUSBANDS STUFF WITHOUT ASKING FIRST.” I can never be reminded of this too often.

 I think I need to go buy a new pair of shoes.TweetAndrea.

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Busted Sitting on my Laurels

Guilty as charged.

I cannot tell a lie. Whenever I have a chance to sit back on my laurels and think that taking a break from being a successful relationship manager is an option, my relationship suffers.

Once a month, yes that time of the  month, if I think of it, I say to my husband, “Honey, I’m going to be getting my period within the week and could use some space.” This has been a very helpful and successful way to avoid unplanned tension in the relationship. It’s like I’ve created a space between us that buffers any chance of me blowing up at him that week. I’ve come to realize that although that question/formula seems to work, I need to be very careful because what I’m really saying is, “Honey, will you please give me a get out of jail for free card this week, because I just know I’m going to be a b#@ch if you don’t give me some space.” So far my husband has gladly given me the space I’ve asked for, but these last two weeks, I had so much going on that I was basically asking him to give me more, and more, and more ‘get out of jail free cards’ not realizing what was happening. After my first big event was over and my second event three days later was over, and then our weekend away was over, I was still acting like I was off the hook having to be responsible for my relationship. I see now that, unless I’ve got someone telling me ‘breaks over’ I’ll just keep wanting more breaks, with no real intention of getting back to work. I am grateful after talking with some of my peers today. I can never be reminded too often that my family always needs to come first; even when I have work or events I’m responsible for.

What can I say, I really enjoy myself when I don’t have to work . I love taking a holiday. But relationships are work, they require daily input and nurturing. It’s kind of like planting a garden and then saying, I’m gonna take a break from tending to it. Oh it will die, and it might run wild with weeds, but surely it will not be a beautiful garden.

Love,

Andrea.
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You don’t have to like WV, you just have to know what it is.

(BTW, some of you aren’t going to like this article)
Lately as I expand my network of women to over 15,000 I see a trend for the women in their 40’s that are single, the trend looks like this; After years of a dead marriage, they divorce; all for the right reason’s apparently and then she, the wife, starts her enlightenment journey and lives happily ever after.

Womensville realizes the power that a woman taps into when she is liberated.
Leaving an unhealthy relationship so that she can become healthy again is liberating.
Leaving an addict for the safety of herself and the children is liberating.
Reclaiming your power after giving it away for decades is liberating.
Putting an end to the insanity of a failing marriage is liberating. And the list goes on.

Womensville would like to bring that liberating feeling to women in such a way that will keep her family in tact. Helping women get their relationships back on track is the name of the Womensville game. Just like the seasons, our relationships are always in a state of change. If a woman isn’t ready for the great level of responsibility her relationship requires of her, it will surely fail.

Accepting and knowing that we, the women are the only ones who are qualified to successfully manage our relationship can be liberating, with the right attitude!

It is liberating to have ‘ah-ha!’ moments that revive the trust back into a jaded relationship. It’s liberating to understand a new perspective. It’s liberating to witness yourself taking risks as a means to keep your family together. It’s liberating to show your man just how much you care about finding solutions. It’s liberating to say, “Quit messing with our relationship buddy~you have no skills!” It’s liberating to say “Honey, I need some space.” There are so many ways for women to be liberated in their relationships. The key in succeeding with that liberation is knowing if it’s your ego or your commitment that is driving the risk taking that is mandatory for a relationship to grow.

Womensville is here to teach women how to live boldly, love deeply, accept fully and access power and miracles

Womensville is here to teach women how to live boldly, love deeply, accept fully and access power and miracles into her family so that her children can ‘see mom in action.’ This is where your children will truly learn how to have successful relationships. Son’s will seek a wife with these fantastic character traits and daughters will have a role model of what it means to be committed and what it takes to succeed, in all areas of life.

We realize that not every relationship can be saved. Some things are just out of our control.

For those of you who know you could use a little coaching & who need help in staying clear on your long term vision for your relationship and family; come to Womensville.

 We’ll remind you of why you married him and why it’s important for you to take risks in your marriage. We’ll shed light on things that seem impossibly dark. We’ll remind you that “at the moment, you’re in a temporary state of insanity; have faith that the real you will be back shortly if you would just trust.” We’ll show you how to keep the monkey chatter in your head at bay and what to do if you accidentally over fed those monkeys. We’ll help you bring the romance back, heal from heartbreak, and trust when you have no reason to.

Womensville is not for all women; it’s for women who want solutions and who are willing to pay the many installments necessary to keep her family unit together, so that her children don’t have to pay the price for her.

There is great power when a woman can tap into enlightenment and share that depth of maturity with her spouse.

And for the women who are already part of the community of broken families; it’s not too late. The best gift a mom can give to her children is to respect their father, no matter how despicable he is, or what he has done to you or the kids. Respecting that he is on his own personal journey means a lot. Offering blessings and always speaking kindly to and about your children’s father will heal the damage that was done on the day that the family was officially declared dead.

This is what Womensville is. You don’t have to like it; you just have to know that it won’t change. It will always be here for you when you return and offer the same advice that is about supporting the third entity~ your relationship.

I promise to answer every question posted on the forum; and I am so confident that there is a solution to every woman’s relationship problem that if I fail to help you, I’ll buy you a coffee. And if I succeed, perhaps you could buy one for me.

Oh, and one more thing, my very close friends and family call me Andi. I invite you to call me that too, that is if you’d like to become a close friend and be part of  my family.Tweet

This link will take you to our Forum. You can make an anonymous login name to post your questions and set it up to notify you when comments have been made on your post.

Andrea MacLeod
Founder of Womensville.com

 Womensville – A Social Networking Site For Women – Looking for Love, Divorce Alternatives, Women’s Studies, Marriage Advice, Dating and Relationship — WordPress

Compassionate Unconsciousness

Last year I discovered the ‘awesome women hub’ on Face book and had an amazing awakening about how many women there are that are making a huge difference to the world.

There are over 14,000 of them just on awesome women’s hub page alone. Imagine how many more there are out there.

This past year I’ve connected with so many amazing conscious women. Women who have their ego’s on a short leash and who have exorbitant amounts of love that are given freely. It has been amazing to witness.

A couple of weeks ago I came across a woman who admitted she had trust issues, at a depth that stemmed back to when she was a toddler. I had the privilege of witnessing her pain, during a retreat exercise.  The unfortunate thing that happened was that since then she’s been expressing that the retreat exercise was dangerous and that we weren’t qualified to lead such an agenda that had women go to the depths of their anger and pain like that. “Maybe she’s right?” I thought.  I’ve been feeling sore and achy doubting my intentions of that retreat ever since. 

Yesterday I went skiing against my will. I pleaded to my boys “I need a lesson! I need to learn how to become one with the powder!” The boys shook their heads and said, “Mom you’ll be fine, you’re a great skier, don’t be afraid of the powder.”

On one run, my first run, I experienced fear at a very deep level, 35cm of overnight proportions deep.   I spoke to myself about trust. “Andrea, it’s soft, it’s fluffy you won’t hurt yourself, just go.” My body was fighting me on it even though I was telling it to knock it off. I’ve been skiing for years, I had no idea why I was all of the sudden scared.

Stiff as a board I went down and landed flat on my face. “See! I knew this wasn’t safe!” Unfortunately my boys weren’t any where to be found. I was alone and could blame no one. I wanted to go home. Especially since the clouds were coming in and visibility was limited.

I got back up and said to myself, “Relax Andrea, take a deep breath, and trust that this is safe, and yes you might fall, but it’s soft and you are warm and dry, it will be ok, just go for the next 60 seconds.” And off I went.

I couldn’t see a thing, the fog socked in hard, but for 60 seconds at a time I decided to trust. For the 6o seconds that I was conscious of trusting, I flowed down the powdery mountain, and then as soon as I didn’t want to trust any more I fell. Getting up was excruciating, especially since one of my poles didn’t have one of those thingies around the bottom of one tip and so it just sunk 5 feet down.  With a great struggle, I got back up, brushed off the snow and took a deep breath. I got to experienced another 60 seconds of what trust felt like when I didn’t think I had it to give and it was an eye opener.

After I found the boys, they suggested I stick to one of the easier runs, and indeed that was a great idea. I had a great day and became one with the powder. It was great having the boys believe in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.

What this experience gave me was a reminder that for some, trusting is excruciating, scary and painful. I learned that me judging others for their inability to trust is actually an invitation for me to love them more. Show them that I am someone they could put their trust in and to be compassionate towards them, encourage them like my boys did with me.

A voice spoke to me as I went up the chairlift alone. He said this,  ”Andrea, there are people who have fallen flat on their faces their entire lives, they’ve been bruised, beaten and bombarded with pain, guilt and shame. Remember how hard it was to try and get up today each time you fell in that deep powder. Imagine having to do that your entire life. Be compassionate to those around you who are doing the best they can to change their paradigms. OH, AND STOP DOUBTING YOURSELF!” INstantly I snapped out of my doubt and I felt free.

One of the things I hate about being a woman is that when everything is going great, all it takes is one person to plant a seed of doubt in my head and then I get sideswiped by ego and low self esteem. I should know better than to entertain seeds of doubt, but I just can’t seem to help it.  This week, recovering from seeds of doubt that were planted in me has taken me falling flat on my face, in order to shake it off.  I always think that recovering from lifes blows was easier than losing a broken ski pole in 5 feet of powder, trying to get back up with two long planks glued to my feet and no good reason to trust. Yah right. NOT.

It’s these uneasy times that truly shape my character. I am greatful today for my humbling experiences even though it felt like crap.

Love, a woman just like you;

Andrea MacLeod.Tweet

 Womensville – A Social Networking Site For Women – Looking for Love, Divorce Alternatives, Women’s Studies, Marriage Advice, Dating and Relationship — WordPress

Mall Men; a sad sight to see

          If you have a husband, do him a huge favor,

          tell him your going to the mall with your girlfriend. I’m 

          betting he’ll be so happy  with the news, that he might

          even say “Here’s a $1,000 take your time.”

I was at the mall this morning with “mini-me”, and as we stopped for lunch at the food fair, I was struck by all the men there.

I was first creeped out by the old, unshaven, loitering men who were staring at me while I agonized in line for what felt like an eternity.

Then as I sat down, far away where no elderly eyeballs could see, I noticed all of the other men sitting with their women having lunch. It was interesting to say the least. Most all were listening to their women with a glazed look over their face with the occasional darting of eyes that were pulled towards the magnetic women who strolled passed. The others sat scratching lotto tickets. All I could think was, “not one of those guys looks happy to be here.” Ladies, if you are single, don’t go the mall to shop for men even though there are plenty of them there. And once you get yourself a boyfriend or if you have husband, do him a huge favor, tell him your going to the mall with your girlfriend and you’ll see him later. I’m betting he’ll be so happy  with the news, that he might even say “Here’s a $1000, take your time.”

Andrea.

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You’ve got to be kidding? Why didn’t someone tell me about this?

 

OK so I’m going to be forty this year and just realized that I missed my entire thirties of being able to use this very important relationship management tip that is worth millions! So listen up! And for those of you much smarter than me and have been using this your entire adult hood I commend and hale your genius. For those who have not, this is a gift from me to you.

OK so, imagine chaos, raised voices, ego’s engaged between me and my beloved.(chuckle, I know) I extend my hand and gently place it on his lower arm and say, “Honey? I’m about to get my period and so if you could give me a bit of space I’d apprec…..” Before I could even finish, he retreated with great apology, smiled and said, “OH! OK, thanks, no problem.” And he respectfully left me alone for two whole days and when he was around he was what seemed to be on his best behavior! WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS MAGIC TRICK?? I’M FORTY AND COULD HAVE USED THIS FOR ALL OF MY THIRTIES!!!! Deep breath. Deeeeep Breath.

Andrea.Tweet

Womensville- A social network for women looking for love, divorce alternatives, dating and parenting tips.

Transformation; More that meets they eye.

 

When I was a kid, we had wee foster children living with us. New-borns apprehended from their dysfunctional mothers would live with us for a few months or years, and then we would have to send them back to their delinquent parents. I may be off on the timing but as soon as they left, it seemed new babes would arrive and our love was poured all over them. It seems today any time I meet an adult or child who has suffered from the loss of a parent, whether by death or divorce or whatever, an automatic desire to rescue them kicks in.

I see how my need to love others, protect others, and defend others is a childhood pattern that has protected my heart from having to feel pain. It’s weird.  

I am learning how to respond to my emotions as an adult, and luckily, I have women in my life that honour my vulnerability right now and have given me lots of space to express. I am reaching my one-year anniversary this Easter of being sober and it doesn’t feel like life has gotten any easier after attending Freedom Session, but it does feel like there is deep, rich and intimate transformation taking place in my heart and in the hearts of those around me. I don’t think it’s my imagination. 

This picture of my daughter and her pal’s reminds me of the precious times I’ve  been able to bond with women in a deep and personal way. To trust another woman’s love and to trust a group of women’s love has been life transforming for me. Love, Andrea.Tweet

Womensville- A social Networking Site for Women looking for love, divorce alternatives, dating and parenting advice. WordPress.

Fear not evil thwart that’s why we have tech support.

Thought I’d share my conversation with my angelic, super-human, beautiful bombshell of a tech support nerd Alison, of Netgenus; the real genius behind womensville. Also I learned what     “Thwart” means and wanted a chance to use it.

From: Alison at netgenus
Sent: Wednesday, March 23, 2011 12:36 PM
To: Andrea MacLeod
Subject: Re: womensville forum nabble update

Hi Andrea,
Woops – I went in to fix this for you but it came up with a warning that someone else was editing the page… are you OK?
You should be able to just grab the new embed code and paste it into the HTML side of the wordpress editor.
Let me know if you want me to do it – freebie just takes a sec
All my best,

Alison

—- On Wed, 23 Mar 2011 12:45 +0000 Andrea
Oh that would be great if you would Alison, all I read there was “…just grab the new embed code and past it into the ^&&*(&)(&^%$#$%#@@.”

You’re a doll, thank you.

 Andrea

——–From: Alison at netgenus
Sent: Wednesday, March 23, 2011 12:51 PM
To: Andrea MacLeod
Subject: Re: womensville forum nabble update

 OMG – you crack me up, you are so cute!
DONE!

Alison

 

Highly Recommend if you are looking for a reliable genius of a webdesigner, call Alison at Netgenus.

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What Qualifies a Successful Marriage?

Had a great interaction with Sharon on FB. I mentioned someone that had a successful marriage in a post and this was her response.

•  Sharon: “A successful marriage…is that when you don’t quit no matter what or is that one in which you’re happy or is it both? And if it’s both, what qualifies as happy? What is the percentage of happy necessary to qualify?”

Andrea : “Good Question Sharon! I’m thinking the answer is probably different to every woman, right? It excites me when I meet a woman who is living her higher purpose, making a difference in the world, and has a husband who stands beside her proudly. This is such a rare finding these days. Thanks for asking!”

• Sharon: “As I plan my 37th wedding anniversary I remember someone saying that when you’re married 50 years you can have a bad decade…I also know that our story is just that and everyone has a story and not every story is happy. When we survive our story and gleam the miracles and JOY of marriage, that is success. The JOY is happy, the sorrow is its balancing reality. A successful marriage includes balancing the joy and the sorrow and perhaps tipping the scales toward the joy is true success.”

 Andrea: “Sharon, I praise you for your words of wisdom! Keep up the great work and I hope your anniversary celebration is all you hope for!”

I posted this because I thought what Sharon had to say about marriage was perfect! I couldn’t have said it better myself, hence it needed to get on womensville! Thank you for taking a risk in asking Sharon, I hope more women will also do this if they aren’t sure about the things I say about relationships.

Big Smiles,

Andrea MacLeod.Tweet

The miracle of a good haircut.

Blog March 21, 2011

I met with a hockey mom today. She and I went to high school together.  The first thing I said to her was, “That is a great haircut!” She proceeded to tell me about her traveling to India and Hong Kong on a whirl wind business trip looking for rugs for her business. She works full time, volunteering at the tournament this week and she told me she only just realized she forgot to get  her dog booked into a kennel before she leaves for Hawaii on Wednesday. I just stood there with saucer eyes, grinning ear to hear as she went on about how little sleep she has had, and still has not unpacked her bags from India. All I could think to say was, “this is why women need a good haircut!” We both laughed hysterically and off she went. What a rich moment.Tweet

Lighten up…

“Do I have anything in my teeth?”Tweet

When there’s little hope of breakthrough…

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.Tweet

–Reinhold Niebuhr

No, my house isn’t on fire! But thanks for caring.

It’s 8am and I am feeling proudly Canadian at this moment.

Neall left for a men’s ski day up at Whistler this morning at 5:30. I had my weekly Friday morning generosity call with my California babes, and then went straight to the BarBQue. Chicken is a grillin’, baby carrots are a sizzling, kids are still snoring and my coffee is perfect.

What a rich week. I saw some very precious women, actually they all are, but there were some angels that joined our SIR class that I hadn’t seen in a long long while. I was elated to see them and thrilled that Cindy and I were able to deliver a powerful exercise to the group that hopefully left women pondering the important things in their life as I have.

I feel tender and sad, yet elated and blessed right now. There are so many women in my life that mean so much to me, and so little time. Best get back to the chicken. Have a great weekend. I love you all.

Andrea.
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ps one of my neighbors thought my house was on fire.

Reeling in my ego; the power of intimacy.

This past weekend I had an up-close and personal experience of the power that being vulnerable has. A woman from womensville asked me for some advice about how she can keep loving her husband when the novelty of being married to a Neanderthal is wearing incredibly thin.

When I was thinking about how I was going to respond, I decided to take my own advice, before giving it to her, because how could I give advice if my own relationship was in the toilet that day, or should I say for the last month. I was way over due for getting my relationship back on track and so I put on my big girl panties, dropped Miss Princess and zipped up my incredibly stiff and uncomfortable dress called Queen Andrea. I decided that from the moment I woke up on Saturday morning I would not let my ego be present in my communication with Neall, my husband.

 

The morning wasn’t looking promising.

We pulled out our long lists on each other and did some stabbing with ‘what I hate about you is…’ and my ego was totally engaged by Neall’s.  I literally felt like I had to reel in my ego every 10 seconds. The only sign I had to know my ego was gone was that my eyes started leaking.

Every time I reeled in my ego it felt like I was yanking on an imaginary pulley that was opening up a thick wall surrounding my heart. When the ego engaged, the wall slammed shut over my heart again. Then I’d reel it in again,  like a big salmon out of the Fraser River, to once again expose my tenderness, my pain.

Once I finally managed to bolt my ego up and keep my heart exposed long enough to no longer be a threat to Neall’s ego, he shared the depth of his love that he had for me.  It left me speechless. This day was broken up a bit buy some various errand running that I had to do, but those silent times were reflection times. I told him I believed him. And I confessed that meant what I said last year about promising to not look for a way out of this marriage, and that what I really wanted was to find a way in. I asked him to bare with me and my emotional craziness, and to please keep being the solid rock that I married, to please keep being the responsible, reasonable and reliable man that was unmistakably Neall MacLeod. As I’ve shared this story, with friends, it has brought me even more tender intimate moments, even on the phone, with the women I am close to.  

I’m clear that part of my becoming wise journey, will be including more times of intimacy with all of the people in my life.

I’m convinced that the only thing that made it safe for Neall to express how he really felt about me was because I kept my ego out, and created a safe and intimate space for him to speak freely.

Andrea.

PS. I think I’m ready to keep Queen Andrea around and let go of the Princess. Neall has never stopped acting like a King. The Princess in me hasn’t really been happy about that at times, but today… I couldn’t be happier.

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Careful what I ask for; my first lesson in talking less.

OK so I’m on my way to meet with my ‘sponsee’ today. She is going through the same twelve step program that I did. This is my first experience as a Sponsor, and my job is to listen, L-I-S-T-E-N!

I am not there as a personal coach, I do not have my ‘Dear Abby’ hat on,  it is not my job to give her any advice of any kind. There surely is no accident that this is in my face today, as just yesterday I wrote about how I needed to learn how to be a good listener so that I can be a wise woman.

“Click” -Seat belt fastened. Ready for lift off.

Lord give me the strength to shut my ever-flapping lips so that I can hear, and better yet, connect with this woman in such a way that I am receiving her pain and taking it away from her so that she can live a life of freedom and truth. I’m ready,and I’m sure I’ll be needing some help.

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It was way easier being in denial….

As hard as doing that twelve step program was, I’d have to say that it surprised me and has brought me even more joy than my first visit to the shoe department at Nordstroms.

So it’s been a year since I quit drinking. I went to my churches 12 step program, called Freedom Session, mainly to support a friend who was going through rehab at the time and also because the pastors at my church once said they thought ‘everyone should do this program, because we’re all recovering from something’, which strangely inspired me.

 Even though I knew it but was in denial, I discovered/admitted, I was a high functioning closet alcoholic and there was no denying it. With out boring you with all the details I’ll speed up to one year later after completing this course, (oh and for the record this was the hardest personal development course i had ever done, and I’ve done lots). I haven’t had a drop of alcohol for a year now and I must admit, after a gruelling year, of homework and meetings, and then finally graduation, I thought life would be easier.

It hasn’t. I’ve had to learn how to live my life without using wine to numb myself from feeling anything other than ‘f.i.n.e’ and happy feelings. I like being happy.It didn’t seem like a crime, but maybe I liked being happy just a little too much.

I’m pretty skilled at strategizing my entire life to make sure feelings of bliss are part of the equation and then if anything out of my control sideswiped me off my joyride, I would pour a glass of vino and nurse myself back to la-la land.  So ya, my life this past year, has been a real challenge, mainly just figuring out how to deal with my emotions and dealing with crap that monkey’s have been flinging at me.  It’s funny because my husband who is a real man’s man, and who tells things like it is and generally has had very little compassion for things I think he should, has responded to all of this upheaval like a prince. My Neanderthal in shining armour is how I look at him, today anyway….yesterday I thought he was a stupid baboon.  Today I am sincerely grateful that he hasn’t changed.  He has continued to stand like a rock firmly planted in who he is as a man. Amazingly this guy who I often refer to as an inconsiderate donkey/well…..has organically wrapped his arms around me telling me, “you’re doing great honey.”  Snnnnnnnnifffff and reeeeeeelease……I can do this. (life that is)snnnnnniiffff and reeeelease, one day at a time.

As hard as doing that twelve step program was, I’d have to say that it surprised me and has brought me even more joy than my first visit to the shoe department at Nordstroms.

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Remind me why I don’t want to be a party mama please!

Self esteem and status. Self Esteem and Status…so women in North America are ruled by their self-esteem and status eh? You know when my self-esteem is high and life is going great, I don’t question this theory. I’m the first to admit that yes, I see it clear as day, especially when looking at the women around me. But me???? Noooo! Not  me!

Ok, fine, even me. I would say I know myself really well. I know my natural strengths and character defects and can safely say that I live a life that is filled with joy and gratitude.  Having fun and rich experiences seem to overrule my need to have material things.

Not long ago I caught a glimpse of a show called party mama’s on TV, and after watching the women act like spoiled brats, out of control B’s, that had no regard for their husbands that were forking out the money for the extravagant party for the four year old, I had to turn it off. I thanked God,(& my parents) that I had been given a no-problem disposition and a humble spirit of gratitude. I felt sick about the thought of ever taking on traits of the women on that show.

Recently one of my own friends said something that I had heard before; yes, I heard it on party mama’s. It sounded like this… “I want what I want and I don’t care how much it costs…” (there was more, but I can’t bear to write it). I left my friends sick to my stomach, and new that she had to be severed from my life. The problem was that I loved this woman and her family; hence the termoil. Then later I had a voice from the heavens tell me…

 “SHE is not your problem.”

 I always trust these loud audible messages,(I don’t always like them) so far they have always been EXACTLY what I needed to hear, no doubt a message from God.  So I asked myself, “What is it, if it’s not her, why do I feel so enraged?What is my problem?” 

The truth was, there was a part of me that wished I were more like her. The fact is, her temper tantrums get her stuff.

The fortunate (or unfortunate depending on how I look at it) thing for me is that I married a man who wouldn’t have married me if I had even a hint of “I want what I want, and I don’t care what it costs.” Nor would he ever tolerate temper tantrums.

 There is no way I could ever behave like her and get away with it, and damn it, she drives a Mercedes, lives in the west end and seems to have access to as much money as she cares to spend.

A slice of humble pie please.

Andrea.

Womensville- a social networking Site foro Women looking for love, divorce alternatives, dating and parenting tips. Speaking to the greatness found in all women.

What does success mean to you?

I did a great exercise last night with  my ‘monday night women’. We were asked to write down ‘what success means to us personally’.  It was interesting that we all had similar and also very different measures of success.

Here’s what success means to me;

• I’m living in gratitude and expressing it!
• I am not taking things personally.
• I trust myself and my peers.
• I’m an example to my children that I am proud of.
• I’m caring about my health and well being and it shows.
• I care more about giving than receiving

Because this is my definition of success I’m happy to say that most of the time I am accessing all of these. I do also see how fragile this list is because sometimes all it takes is for me to take something personally and then everything falls down like a house of cards. For the first time I’m experiencing PMS symptoms and this also affects this list.

I like that my list is simple and of things that mean the most to me. I really don’t care that much about accomplishments, the journey is often even better than the destination I’ve found over the years. I’m feeling really at peace today. I like that my mind is thinking about my success and not about my problems.

Andrea.

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Affirmation that marriage is tough…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one on the planet that thinks marriage is one of the most challenging endeavours on the planet. I talk on womensville all the time about how one minute my marriage is breezing along great and then bam it’s slid off track again.

There’s a woman who I’ve recently met who has captured my heart in a special friendship that is only just starting to bloom. She’s been married over 6o years to the same man! She’s been though a lot of heart ache over the years with losing family members to cancer and other challenges, which makes my life look like a bed of roses. She is a woman of great beauty and grace, I just love her.

She asked me how my marriage was going today, and I felt compelled to share with her how I was struggling with some things and she just smiles and nodded with a great look of understanding.

She said to me, “Andrea, marriage is one of the hardest things on the planet.”  I just wanted to jump up and down and say YES, YES!!  THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING! THANK YOU!!!!! She also had some very wise words about letting go of trying to change him so that I make room for God to change him.

I was very encouraged by this encounter today after church. Be encouraged as I was, that yes even though marriage can be hard at times, it is indeed the richest and most rewarding experiences there is. It is something that impacts our children and grandchildren, and knowing that makes getting through the tough times just a little bit easier.

Andrea.Tweet

Womensville-A Social Networking Site for Women Looking for Love, Divorce Alternatives, Dating and Parenting Advice. Supporting women to access the ‘best case scenario’ in their relationships. Womensville- you’re welcome here.

Auto Pilot switched off ~ it was great!

I must say I thoroughly enjoyed the woman who accidentally took my shopping cart at Costco today. I was quickly going for my usual favorite things, as it was closing in 15 minutes, when I turned around and my cart was gone. It was like a switch flicked off my auto pilot and suddenly I was on a hunt for my shopping cart. Finding her felt like I had found the Easter bunny. I must have looked like such a goof waving and smiling ear to ear saying “over here, it’s mine!” 

Not sure if the woman who took it enjoyed the event as much as me, but either way, it had me thinking, “I should do that to someone one day just for fun.”

Andrea.Tweet

Womensville-A social Networking site for women- Looking for Love, Divorce Alternatives, Dating and Parenting Advice. Supporting women to access the ‘best case scenario’ in their relationships.

Eeeeeew! ~ I think this is why I resist success at times.

Everyone who knows me knows that I design my life to incorporate fun in everything I do. I am blessed with the awareness of being able to not use fun to rob me of intimacy with the people in my life, which I am truly grateful for.

I used to and sometimes catch myself still resisting being successful. Naturally, by default, and because of little to no childhood trauma, I have success swirling around me at all times. Doing what makes me happy has always been my definition of success.

I’m not sure but I think I clash with the male model of success that looks kind of like this:
Set a goal, strategize, work hard, be disciplined, work hard, set more goals, work harder, strategize more and so on. Eeeew ~ I think this is what has had me resist success at times.

Is it a crime that I like to find short cuts? Is there anything wrong with having a clear vision of what I want and then it landing in my lap without any effort? Am I less successful than the person next to me because I have no plan or a dozen plans that all get dribs and drabs of my enthusiastic attention? I don’t think so. I love being able access everything I need easily.

My brain, however doesn’t like it when I doubt what I’m doing. It seems my brain Is designed to agree with everything I tell it. I’m successful~ “OK!” I’m a failure~ “OK!” I love my husband~ “OK!” I hate my husband~ “OK!” Grrrrrrrrr. This is one thing I really don’t like about having a brain. This is why I believe the most important thing a human being can do for herself/himself is to always be telling your brain everything you want to have affirmed.

Lets plan our life so that it is in line with goodness, love, taking responsibility for our actions, and never blaming anyone for our unhappiness; then practice telling your brain the way you want it to be~ The Best Case Scenario!!!! Not the worst!!!

Having a semi sane morning today; deciding what I’d like to choose for myself. “OK!”

Andrea.

Womensville-A social Networking Site for women-looking for love, divorce alternatives, dating and parenting tips. Supporting women to access  the ‘best case scenrio” for the thing that matters the most ~ their relationships.

2011 dream board event

Last week I made my first dream board of 2011.

I do one every year with various women in my life. I like crafts….well…I like making dream boards. I’m not overly talented with any other kinds of crafts.

Half of the joy that comes with me making dream boards is being in a room with a bunch of women who are creatively expressing what matters most to them that day, that year, or whatever.
This year my dream board ended up being a representation of all of the things that I love and that mean something special to me.

For the firs time there wasn’t anything on there that was something I needed, wanted or dreamed about having. (ok there was one thing and that was an outdoor clay oven that Jamie Oliver would be proud to see in  my yard).

I really like this dream board because it shines a light on a part of me. I am indeed a complex woman, we all are I think. If I did a dream board that represented ALL of the things that mean something special to me and represented all of the things I longed for, it would be about 50 feet high and wide.

Today, yes today, (as tomorrow I may change my mind), I let go of the woman I think I am.  I will not compare myself to anyone, and simply embrace the hundreds of blessings right here in front of me.

 

 

 

 

 

womensville~ a social networking site for women looking for love, divore alternatives, dating and relationship advice. Accessing the best case scenario is the name of the womensville game. womensville~ you’re welcome here.

I thought I wasn’t was one of THOSE women; but I am.

Today if I could order a serving of amnesia, and have all of my memories of who I think I am, and who all of my friends think I am and all of the laim validations of what made me the woman I am today, perhaps that would help me to not be influenced by social status and fashion ever again. 

I would decide that I’ve always been the kind of woman that never ever compared herself with other women.

I would just decide that I was always in love with my life, and pretend that my life was exactly the way I dreamed my life would be from the time I was nine.

‘Check please’.

Andrea.

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It can’t be easy being a Neanderthal.

I’m the first to admit that I married a neanderthal. Those dragging knuckles, and a pride in his stride had me notice him. There was no question that his territory was marked after he was done with it.  Most women didn’t like his brash nature, it didn’t bother me, he was a good man. He didn’t seem to care if people didn’t like  him, he knew he was a good man too.

I was intrigued by these rare and prudish qualities. By the sixth date I knew he was a keeper.  I slowly infiltrated and cleverly orchestrated my mission to claim him as my mate . Too-loud- MacLeod was secretly mine and I was going to keep him forever. Little did  I know how I was really going to cope with a man that is socially inept in a world that is suddenly all about being social.  I was not your average woman either, I knew I could handle this guy and was up for the challenge. Surely it would make for an exciting life.Wouldn’t it?

I love my neanderthal. I love that he is his own man. I love that he doesn’t buy into my emotional manipulation. Honestly, I know that 99% of the time when I’m demanding that he change it’s for reason’s of my own low self esteem and even more so due to the reality that I have fewer bragging rights.  Us women eagerly await our chance to brag about something our husband did nice for us.  If he hasn’t for a while there is nothing to say. This isn’t easy for women who opted out of marrying a nice guy.

Today’s headlines read we are leaving behind the industrial revolution and are thrusted into,(whether we like it or not) the information and consciousness revolution.  It’s probably best that my man keep  his nose to the grindstone and keep doing what he does best~work.

Womensville- a Social Networking site for women- looking for love, divorce alternatives, dating and parenting advice. Womensville speaks to the greatness found in all women. Finding solutions to relationship problems and always seeking out the best case scenario.

Welcome to the world of yes.

Our ego will tell us that keeping our guard down will make us vulnerable to being hurt. When in fact it does just the opposite, it keeps us safe and is like a blanket of protection. Only our ego fears the word no. We are not our ego and no is just a word.  This weeks paradigm shift is to find peace in the word NO and joy in the word YES.

The thing about paradigm shifts is it that we have to instigate it, be disciplined in order for it to stick and we have to love our self enough to know that the work it takes to make a paradigm shift is worth the effort.

Since we were old enough to crawl the word NO has kept us safe, has taught us right from wrong, good from bad and the difference between joy and pain.  Then we go to the local factory, also known as school and get bombarded with yes and no for reasons purely of convenience and keeping the system running efficiently.

You may have no problem with the word no. Lots don’t. But if your body gets tight and your walls come up and your self esteem is affected, then having a paradigm shift is in order.

The words thank you are like a loving hug to the word no. Thank you for your time is a great way to respond to the word no.

The world is saying YES to all of us. Yes will gravitate to us as long as we keep our guard down and trust that our yes is just one step closer to us than it was yesterday.

The world is ready to say yes to you today and everyday. Seize this great opportunity.

Womensville a Social Networking site for women looking for love, divorce alternatives, dating advice and parenting tips. Womensville speaks to the greatness found in all women.

Serious Writers Walk This Way…

To the many women who have at least once told themself , “I should write a book about that.”

My new website www.andreamacleod.com is dedicated to supporting the beginner writer. I’ll try and keep womensville strictly focused on women and our relationships. It’s been hard for me to not overlap the two topics, as I am so passionate about both. Thank you for your continued support.

Visit my Blog and Vlog posts for tips and tricks on how to get your book written. INvite your friends to “LIKE” our FB “Get it Written” Page.

Happy to be of service to you!

Trust. Have you got it to give?

Honey, sweet heart, pumpkin… you can do aaaaannnnnything you want and I’ll never stop trusting you. Never! This is the kind of trust that is needed in building a 50 year marriage.  Without Trust, the level of love in a marriage does not grow in depth; it just stays fragile hovering on the surface. In a marriage; love will come and go. Each year our feelings for each other will fade and return, just as the seasons change. The love that all married couples seek,can be found in Trust.
Look at trust the way you look at an insurance
policy. Making monthly installments is not that hard, for some it feels automatic; hardly giving it a second thought. Trust is also quite effortless when all is going well.  Now imagine a crisis happens and you need to make  an insurance claim and your broker says, “We’re not going to cover you. We don’t think you deserve it.” Trust is the insurance policy guaranteed to cover you when you need it most. When things go wrong and we want to pull the trust away; is precisely when we need to trust the most. Honey, sweetheart, pumpkin… You can do aaaannnnything you want and I’ll never stop trusting you. Never. This kind of trust will set your marriage back on track if it has fallen off, and will heal all wounds caused by an ever recovering broken heart.  Trust is what moves marriages to a deeper level of love.  Trust is what teaches our children how to be responsible, is what builds character and is what transforms lives.  Trust is a gift we give.

Do you think you have what it takes to succeed in a 50 year marriage? Because, really, this is it. Being married is hard. Being happily married takes work. Work normally isn’t always fun. Work takes commitment, and discipline and being responsible.  Then once you are in the groove of success and have figured out how to bounce back from stuff that randomly happens, you will have more and more fun as the years go on.          
          Get through several dozen trials and character building challenges; that’s what builds a relationship into something magical.

Written by Andrea MacLeod, Vancouver BC

Womensville – A Social Networking Site For Women – Looking for Love, Divorce Alternatives, Women’s Studies, Marriage Advice, Dating and Relationship — WordPress

Problem? Solution. Making a physical shift.

The best way for a woman to reduce her own personal problems is to find a cause bigger than herself and contribute to it.

There is nothing more inspiring than seeing a woman give of herself, to a cause that resonates with what makes her heart sing.

When a woman has a project at work or in her community or family that is bigger than she thinks she can handle is when she gets to see just how capable she is. It’s a pleasant surprise.

Womensville encourages women to step outside their comfort zone and give of them self.

We think you’ll like who you are when you are giving of yourself to needy charities or projects in your own back yard.

Self-doubt and depression are your own personal villains. If Low Self Esteem is all about acting and feeling needy, the opposite of that must be feeling and acting generous.

No matter how low a woman’s life can be, the minute she performs a generous act of kindness her entire day can be filled with joy. I know a woman who goes to the drive through for coffee on her way to work, just so that she can secretly pay for the person behind her and then carry those feelings of goodness into her day. I realize it is incredibly hard to get out of the darkness of doubt and depression sometimes, especially if your life is in that pit more than you wish it were.

Womensville – A Social Networking Site For Women – Looking for Love, Divorce Alternatives, Women’s Studies, Marriage Advice, Dating and Relationship — WordPress

Stuck. Accidental or intentional?

We all know what it feels like to be stuck in our relationships. It’s when we know that ‘this or that’ particular ‘thing’ is never going to change. We are resigned to the years of trying to make things different, but alas here we are again. After a woman stays here long enough, she will slowly come to her senses and realize this is no way to live. The unfortunate part is that if she is married and has children, her leaving is no less a feeling than a death in the family.  For some strange reason women in North America think that quitting is an option. We think that there indeed are somethings that we will never be able to change, which is true. That being said, we have access to miracles every day. The miracle I’ve had happen to me was releasing my husband from blame and assuming 100% responsibility for all of the poor ways I’ve responded to his character defects. I now get to see that if ever I am thinking that someone else’s behavior is my problem, that is me intentionally victimizing myself. Look at me, I’m the victim here. eeeew. I have never felt so liberated in all my 17 years of marriage. I honestly thought that the wanker that lived inside my husband was the problem. I think I just might be scratching the surface on what it’s like to be enlightened,(dare I say?)  I honestly feel like the amount of love that I have inside of me, which is deep and wide, provided from God almighty himself, is literally oozing from my pours and I no longer seem to be blaming anyone for anything any more. No one owes me anything. I like that. I have nothing to prove because the truth is, the success of my marriage and relationships with my family and friends are all that really matter in my life. I love my life. I love the trees outside my living room windows. I even love this ugly old brown carpet.It keeps my feet warm. All those years I felt stuck in so many ways, mainly because I had to admit that I had no control over someone else’s behavior. And by my throwing my hands in the air with frustration, it gave me permission to respond less than who I wanted to be.  I love my husband, wanker and all.

Divorced? It’s never too late.

Divorced? Don’t be too hard on yourself. No woman walks down the isle thinking, “O.K, so 7 years from now, I’m going to leave, my kids are going to live with me two weeks a month, and the man I’m about to marry is not going to be making his child support payments.”

Sometimes the worst case scenario happens (sometimes because too often we focus on that) but what’s done is done. I have personally met women who two years or more after divorcing their husbands and splitting up the kids and a life of hell, they get back together. I’ve seen couples get back together and recreate the relationship and it is nothing short of miraculous. I used to think this was quite unique, but now there are more and more women who are tapping into enlightenment and encouraging their girlfriends to join them. In doing that, women’s social circles see reconsiling things with your ex husband as socially acceptable. 

 Obviously there’s something huge for the children to gain from this besides the fact that their parents are back together but also they get to see how the two worked things out, and can be included in why everything happened the way it did, and that mom and dad just needed time to work things out.

Now for those of you who cringe at this thought, don’t worry,  you too can give your child many gifts from the unfortunate breakdown of your marriage. You may think I’m going to say that showing them you are happy in your next relationship or marriage would be it, but that comes only second to what I’m going to say. The best gift you can give to your children is to have a successful and productive relationship with your ex husband. No badmouthing. No blaming. Always being courteous and kind. Smile at him and laugh with him. Show your children that you have the character to be able to go your separate ways because it was what had to be done, and that you care enough about your children for them to witness that their parents are mature enough to still get along.

The relationship you have with your ex, reveals the truth about your character. Even if he is a complete freak, you can emit forgiveness, cooperativeness and pleasant communication. It doesn’t matter how good your relationship is with your new husband. You and your ex will always be the parents of your children and that is the relationship they will model.

If you are looking for a way to shape your character, tap into enlightenment or make a difference in your community. Start with reconcilingthings with your ex.

Definition of Reconcile:

• end conflict: to solve a dispute or end a quarrel
•  to persuade somebody or yourself to accept that something undesirable cannot be changed.
• put people back on friendly terms: to bring two or more people back into a friendly relationship with each other 

You’ll be surprised at how reconsiling things with your ex, (whatever that looks like), will impact your life and your children’s future. You will give them skills that they need in life. You will show them how responsible you are. You just might save them from also becoming a product of divorce. You can do it. If you want to.

 

 

Womensville, a social networking site for women. Divorce alternatives, dating, relationship advice, women.

Everything is perfect and beautiful, because that’s what you are.

After spending the last two weeks with my sister, preparing for her garden wedding, I look back in amazement of all that happened. It’s like an entire lifetime went by in two short weeks.

First off, the space I held day in and day out, was of gratitude and love. With every hic-up a miracle whisked in. With every tear, joy reigned. With every deep breath solutions came. I never stopped trusting that everything was perfect and beautiful. In fact every day was perfect and beautiful.

We had a nightmare nail catastrophe by a quazi nail Tec who basically ruined my sister’s nails. If that hadn’t of happened we never would have met the angel that was sent to rescue us and love us. Miracles come in all shapes and sizes. The biggest seem to happen right after we said, “everything is going to be fine.”

This is a great reminder for me to continue to trust that everything is perfect and beautiful everyday. Maybe because that’s what I am in the eyes of God, as are you.
May you go to bed knowing everything is perfect and beautiful.
Andrea.

I’m THAT woman.

Hello friends.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the purpose of womensville. So that you will want to come back and mostly so that you can leave inspired and ready to put into action things that will truly impact and grow you, in your current relationships.

Here’s what I know;  after spending close to 22 years meeting every week with women. Women need each other. Even though we are some of the most capable and successful women in the world, we still need each other.

One of the tragic things about women is that they compete with each other, not for each other. If women could shift their competitive nature with each other, we could really change the world.

Women compete for status and image. Women, even the most successful have low self esteem, because there’s always another woman who has more of what they want. As soon as we loose touch with being in a state of gratitude, that’s when the villain of low self esteem pops in. (I talk about this in chapter four of my book).

I had the fortunate experience of finding a women’s group that was so committed to serving the community, that we had little time to compete with each other. Instead we competed for each other and all of our lives benefited.

There are very few opportunities for women to really support each other like that.

I just want you to know that I am that woman for you. All those women that fought for my success in my marriage, are the reason I’m still married today.(and happily I might add.)  I am that woman who will tell you what you don’t want to hear, and not worry about you not liking me any more. I am that woman who will love you all the way to success. I am that woman who will not sell out on you.

One of the reasons why women sell out on each other is we don’t want to loose our friends and we don’t want our friends talking badly about us behind our backs. And when tough love is present and it doesn’t land right, that’s exactly what is at stake for all of us.

Just to be clear. I’m here to;

• Support you in finding solutions to your relationship problems.
• Help you stay tapped into all of the reason’s you fell in love with your husband but may have forgotten.
• Give you hope that you are not alone and that right now, you can change your reality to more of what you want.
• Show you concrete examples of how to keep your level of self esteem high and authentic.
• Point you in the right direction of getting professional help if needed.
• Remind you, that you are perfect and loved right now, just the way you are.

I, Andrea MacLeod, promise that my mission is to support women to succeed in their relationships. My only motive is to love, support, guide and offer as much assistance and practical advice that I know works. I promise to confess if  I just don’t know  how to help you. I promise to be as authentic with you as possible so that you can trust me. I promise that what I offer you is based on the last 21 years of meeting with hundreds of women each week and is based on what I witnessed and have practiced myself.

 

Womensville. A social networking site for women.

Dear Andi,

I listened to your talkshow on trusting your intuition and the women on the show made it sound so easy. I understand there is a difference between being in my ego and being in high self-esteem but how can I tell? I don’t trust my intuition worth shit, everything I have ever done has led me to chaos and drama. I am sick of that and want to live a life of peace and integrity. So how do I do that? Is it really as simple as just finding a woman who has what you want and then serve her? The woman I trust and admire is a self motivated, “doer” and I don’t think she would want me to help her or serve her. Why would she when I am so confused and messed up all the time?

-Dazed and Confused

Dear D.C (Daring and Caring, screw the Dazed and Confused!)
You reaching out and seeking answers is your ticket to finding what you are looking for friend. I too have been suckered by my own ego thinking that I was in a state of high self esteem because it has all the same outward affects on how I feel about myself, which is usually confident and happy.I have to be careful not to confuse Confidence with Recklessness.

What I’ve come to realize after going through a grueling 8 months of the twelve step program at my church,is that there is a clear sign to know if our ego is engaged and is tricking us into thinking we’re in good shape. If there is any lie involved in my actions no matter how confident I feel, this is a trick. The purity of high self esteem can not be tainted with blame or lies.

I read an article in a local Magazine that had a woman boasting about ending her 34 year marriage and admitting that the demise of her marriage started when she was bored and decided to take a course at a local college which then lead to her pursuing personal development courses…then one day her husband said “don’t pull that assertive sh*# on me Susan”…then she said she “begged her husband to expand his own horizons for 11 years before she decided to leave” him. This article is a classic case of a woman thinking she is in a state of high self esteem by ‘asserting herself’ with her boring husband. This is a trick. Imagine if this woman was in a place of “honey, you owe me nothing, and i love you just the way you are” and then persued communicating with him from that place.
Any sign of righteousness is a red flag. 

The kind of self esteem I’m committed to helping women access is the one that comes from a humble and beautiful willingness to not blame anyone for anything and who can honestly admit, ‘this is where I need help the most’ . If a woman can answer this, it will help her ego stay out of her risk taking, “Based on where my relationship is right now, what part did I play to have it be this way?” This is what I call standing in truth. Taking ownership and then making room for miracles.Miracles happen everyday.

Yes, serving in your community is a great place to start because it gives women a chance to take a breather from focusing on their own problems for a while. Some women just can’t stop obsessing over themselves.
So…back to the drama. Do a moral inventory in your journal and ask yourself “what’s in it for me to have so much drama in my life?” Sometimes women need drama because it gives them a chance to feel alive, or like a savior to someone they are helping. You can do another inventory with the people in your life and find out if you need to make some new kind of friends/peers. You answering these questions honestly is the first step in trusting yourself.
I hope this helps. You are loved. You can walk in joy and peace, and you can find healing if you keep seeking the truth. You will find the answers, I promise. Please keep us posted friend. We love you. *do you feel it?*  
ps If you have the courage, see if a local church in your neighborhood is running the twelve step program called “freedom session”. Our church believes every person is in recovery from something, it’s not just for addicts. We are a flawed species and this course takes the cake in my oppinion. It costs next to nothing and you don’t have to believe in God to attend. Although you probably will before it’s over.

Getting to know me, getting to know you…

So I thought it was only fair that if I’m asking you, my loyal Womensville family to expose yourself and your personal problems, that it would only be fair that I do the same. Let me tell you a little more about  me, and my marriage.

I’ve attended lots of personal development workshops, courses, programs, women’s groups as well as read most popular, self improvement books that have helped me become the woman I am today. I have no regrets on any of them.

 

It’s been quite fun, exciting and relatively easy over the years growing and improving myself ….until now!

 

Last year, I decided to attend my churches 12 step program called “freedom session”. We’re located in the city and have regular recovering visitors looking for hope.  I was so impressed that our pastors and leaders completed the course that I thought, “How could I not also humble myself enough to take the course?”  This cool young pastor said, “We’re all in recovery.”

 This intrigued me. So I went. How hard could it be? I know all about how to be a good participant in a course. It’ll be great, fun, exciting…I’m in!

This has been one of the most excruciating courses I’ve ever done. Not only is it over nine months long, every week, with ridiculous amounts of homework, but also has required me to expose things about myself to the group that no one else knows about me. I’m talking stuff I was planning on taking to the grave stuff. Yah, tough.

After lots of work, I finally was divinely lead to a place of coming clean with my husband about how I had been holding myself back from giving all of myself to him. I told him that I was forever done with blaming him for my irresponsible actions and that I was truly sorry for the stuff I had mismanaged in the past.

Yes, it was a day that I decided to put on my big girl panties and act like a grown up girl… woman.

 
I can honestly say and mean it when I say ” he owes me nothing”. Only I am responsible for me. Only I can seek answers to my own personal problems, from the past or where ever they were born from.

What he does or doesn’t do for himself is not up to me. He’s on his own journey too. The best I can do is be a good example. 

 

Just before having this conversation with himI had written a letter to God telling him that I forgave my husband for everything I had felt he had done to hurt me. I listed everything and it was long. I gave it to God and declared that my husband owed me NOTHING. I admited that there were some character defects in myself that I am committed to changing and would appreciate a little help. I was going to continue doing what I knew worked with my husband and I was committed to never having any more secrets. No more lies, not even little white ones.
You want to know what he said after telling him all of this? And yes, he didn’t see any of this coming, he was sitting there shocked as I spoke with the greatest of humbleness and maturity.
He walked over to me, kissed me on the top of my head and said, “Nothing’s changed, I love you as much today as I did yesterday.” Oh, and then he said, “You did a really good  job, because I had no idea anything was wrong.”

The benefit I see in risking, exposing and taking ownership for ourselves is that we eliminate the chance of atrophy of the heart.

 

By risking, we make room for our husbands to be our heroes. The benefit in risking is that we get to be responsible. (Oh joy).  We get to share our hopes and dreams with the man we fell in love with and include him in the process of making those dreams a reality.

Risking shows my kids a real life example of a woman living what she says she wants.  All of what I really want in life requires me to take risks.

 Risking in a marriage, exercises not only our heart and soul, but the heart and soul of our relationship.

 

Of course the key is that the risking is done responsibly. I feel confident that if I use the formula of communicating without my ego, and talking about my responsibility or lack there of,  I will find solutions to whatever problem comes my way.
Sure, it will still be scary, that’s why it’s called a risk.

 

I’ve always known intellectually that if I’m not risking in my marriage that it would not grow. What I didn’t realize was that it (my marriage) working fine (f.i.n.e) actually meant it was slowly, very slowly, d-y-i-n-g.

 

My ego was the reason why my so-called risk taking always seemed to blow up in my face. It’s funny because by nature I am a risk taker. I think I was just afraid of being hurt by my husband.

I wanted to share this with you so that you don’t put me on some sort of pedestal. I’ve had my share of heart ache and have been irresponsible from time to time. I’ve had many thoughts of thinking I married the wrong man. Today, and for who knows how long (maybe the mere fact that it’s spring)  it will last, I have never felt more in love with my husband. It’s funny, because he really hasn’t changed. But I have. Lots.

Today I feel like that woman he met while we were courting. I like her.

I heard someone once say “life is recovery”. I’m beginning to see what they mean.
Doing it alone can’t be an option my friend. You are too valuable to be doing it alone. It; meaning life.

I’ve grown, he hasn’t. I’m not the same woman.

Have you ever met a woman who was growing and changing and evolving leading eventually to divorce?

Emotionally, physically and spiritually she felt like she had outgrown her husband. Have you ever heard a woman say, “I feel like I’ve left him in the dust,” or “I’ve outgrown him,” or “I’ve changed so much, I’m not the woman he married.” This is a phenomenon that pulls women out of their marriages and gives them a false since of accomplishment because they can confidently stand in ‘being right.” Because they are right. She’s changed, he hasn’t. It is a fact. She is right.

Some women and men, care more about being right than they do about doing what works. I would urge all women,(and this is a reminder for myself too ladies) that when we go out into the community and contribute or take some courses or get a new job that inevitably grows our character, keep in mind that sharing that growth with your husband will contribute to his growth too! Its true try it!!!(I bet you don’t believe me)

If we grow and leave our husbands in the dust, then what we’re really doing is setting ourselves up for disaster and possibly divorce. I’ve been guilty of this. Keeping busy has been a way for me to cope with not having anything in common (or so I thought) with my husband besides our children. The most important thing a new wife can do is include her husband in everything she does, not necessarily physically but by sharing and showing him who she is, who she is becoming and all that she is learning. The only thing a husband needs in order to keep up the drive to please his wife is to make sure he knows who his wife is. The minute he doesn’t know her, is the minute he is confused about how to make her happy. A man who knows his wife, knows how to keep pleasing her. So lets start showing our husbands who their fantastic wives are. Be grateful that you have a lifestyle that allows you to go out and make a difference in the world. That allows you to develop your character. And most of all, use all that development as a way to successfully contribute the empire of your own family! Our families should be the very first people who get to access all of our skills and love. This is how legacies are made. This is what teaches our daughters how to thrive in and outside the home. If our Character development doesn’t improve the quality of our marriages at the same time as everything else you are doing, then there is something seriously wrong. Sometimes too much personal growth work can actually destroy a marriage, because it is an illusion that you are growing and breaking through barriers from your past. But if that growth doesn’t deepen your marriage at the same time, it’s a RED FLAG!
Openly exposing ourselves isn’t easy. Being honest with our husbands isn’t easy either.
Have all of your endeavors be a mission to first impact the quality of your family and then impact the quality of the rest of your life and you will experience what real success feels like. You won’t need to be right any more. You won’t have any desire to leave anyone in the dust. You’ll get a taste of reality and not have to get sucked into some fantasy.

WomensVille

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Marriage is Seasonal.Divorce Alternative.

Like most things in life, there are ebbs and flows, highs and lows. Marriage is not exempt from this.  If more women really knew from the beginning that her marriage was going to have tough character building times, then she could be ready for it. When the love starts to wear off or gets thin in places is when work needs to be done.(one of the reasons we need women in our life)Marriage is kind of like a garden. There are times of the year it needs to be tilled. Times when manure is spread thick and its rank through and through. I’m no gardener, I wish I was.(I will be one day) I just know that trusting that the seasons of change that a marriage goes through is normal. Getting things back on track just means there’s weeds that haven’t been pulled for a while. It doesn’t mean what you’re digging at is a grave. Plant some seeds….wait a while…see what happens. Perhaps you were meant to be with your husband forever and this is how you’re gonna get there. It’s a crying shame to see couples divorce when once upon a time they were a couple who cherished each other.

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Men ogle while women have eyes in the back of their heads.

Article by Lynnette Vetsch,

Director, Amaxa Coaching and Training Services.

www.amaxa.org.

Men Ogle While Women Have Eyes in the Back of Their  Heads.

Does it bug you that your man will turn his head faster than a rabbit being chased by a dog; almost causing himself whiplash when it comes to something that grabs his fancy? However you would never get caught while looking at some yummy piece of eye candy (and yes we all do it, not matter who we are – we are after all only human). How is that possible?  Is it because we are more sensitive to our partner’s feelings or is it because we are more refined in our behaviour as ladies?
Well it turns out that women have eyes in the back of their heads…well almost.  We, as women, have been blessed with not only having a greater variety of cones in our retinas than men; we also have a wider peripheral vision than they do. Our brain software allows us to receive an arc of at least 45 degrees of clear vision to each side of us and above and below our noses.  In many of us it can be as effective as up to 180 degrees!
A man’s eyes are larger than a woman’s and his brain configures his eyes for longer distances; basically a tunnel vision.  Thus it is as though he has a pair of binoculars built in and like binoculars he can basically only see what is in front of his eyes.
Our bodies have yet to catch up from our lives back in the caveman days.  Men had to be out hunting for food and thus be able to spot and pursue targets from a great distance.  Women as the “nest defenders” needed the greater peripheral vision for protecting the home from sneaky predators.
So ladies, please understand this information before you go ahead and try to send your man into the refrigerator or cupboards to find something that may not be directly in front of his vision.  

Lynnette Vetsch
Director
Amaxa Coaching and Training Services
www.amaxa.org

Forgiveness is for you; not them.

 

If there is someone that you feel has made a negative impact on your life, choose to let them off the hook. Forgiveness isn’t about them; it’s about releasing yourself from whatever has been encumbering YOU by not forgiving them.

Try this…

“So-and-so, you owe me nothing & I forgive you.”

For most of us, blaming someone else for our misery and poor choices satisfies the longing to be made right.

It takes a lot of courage to forgive someone, especially for the unforgiveable. Forgiveness can be done a number of ways. You could write it in a letter. Sharing that letter with a friend is very helpful, then either mail it or burn it, either work.

Simply writing out the statement, “____________, I forgive you for, “xyz”, you owe me nothing, and you are not responsible for me or my actions. I forgive you.” Then just leave it like that in your journal. You could write in a dozen names and forgive them all, and all will be forgiven, just by writing in your journal.

Perhaps it is time to pull up the Big Girl Panties and just do it!

A Social Networking Site For Women

A Social Networking Site For Women is what Womensville is all about.

 

After spending over 20 years meeting regularily with womens groups these seem to be the common issues that come up for women.Keep in mind most of these women I’ve been meeting with have been under observation for many many years, so I  have seen many common relationship problems, dilemas, challenges as well as celebrations and miracles. These are topics I would love to talk about if anyone has any questions about it.

“When everyone else says He’s not the one, but I know for sure he his.”

“We get home from holidays and it was the best thing we ever did. Within a week every thing’s gone to pot again. How can I make those ‘good feelings’ last?”

“As long as I keep busy,my relationship is in excellent shape. Denial vs. Purpose.”

“I used to like that about him, now I despise it.”

“How could we have been so happy for so long and now I can’t stand even looking at him?”

“So you’re leaving. My guess is, you’ve been planning your exit for at least the last 2-5 years.”

“For the amount of time that went into planning your exit, will require the same amount of planning to lead it back to being healed and transformed.”

If  you can relate to these topics please do post questions on the blog or send them to us and we’ll post them for you.

Here for you.

Andrea MacLeod,

Founder of Womensville.

WomensVille

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Tapping into bliss…

What is bliss? I think most would say “A state of extreme happiness.”

As women approach forty, there is an inner knowing of who we really are, who we’re not, and who we won’t ever be.  There is also a strong force of knowing who we must be, based on that knowledge.

My challenge  to you all is to find a way to tap into the one thing that makes your heart sing like no other.  And let it simmer. Let that feeling of bliss melt into the rest of your life.  There is nothing more beautiful than being with a woman who is dancing in that bliss and sharing that joy with others. You are one of those women. Share your joy with us and your loved ones. You are beautiful.

Top Ten Reasons to Access Your Bliss:

10.It takes your focus off of yourself and onto a bigger picture.

9.It makes your own problems look smaller when focusing on contributing.

8.It becomes part of the legacy you will leave behind.

7.It exposes who you are to the world around you.

6.It gives you a chance to tap into Gods Plan for you.

5.It gives you a chance to acknowledge your natural strengths.

4.You get to make new friends who are like-minded.

3.You may be able to create your dream job out of it.

2.You can write a book about it and share that with the world.

The number one reason to tap into that state of bliss…..

BECAUSE YOU CAN.

Free Mini Workshops for Women

 Womensville Presents, “Sister We Need to Talk” book signing and mini workshop for you and the women in your life.

Andrea MacLeod Founder of Womensville, and Author of “Sister We Need to Talk” will open the event talking about why she wrote the book “Sister We Need to Talk” and will touch on topics that she has witnessed over her 20 year study on women, women’s groups, relationships and parenting.

Andrea says, “Women have what they need to have everything they could want in their relationships, the key is to have like minded women in your life so that you are not alone. Women are so important to each others lives. I can’t stress this enough.”

The floor will then be open for a Question and Answer period that will run for a proximately 1 hour.   Books will be available for $15.00 each.

 Top Ten Reasons to invite Womensville to your next women’s gathering:

10. Women love having a reason to meet, schmooze and have fun together.

9. A great way to have your work collegues get to know each other.

8. A great way to network.

7. A chance to see if Womensville may be something you’d like to have for future events or seminars that have to do with women’s topics or writing seminars.

6. A place to fit in, and see that you are not alone. Women are women.

5. Hear about 20+years of up close and personal women’s group studies from an expert.

4. Meet the Author and get your book signed.

3. A place to gain  insight on important questions that you have in your life.

2.Learn more about how Womensville.com can help you in having successful and productive relationships.

#1 Reason to have Womensville at your next women’s event: Andrea MacLeod is eager to share with you why and how she came up with all of the information in her new book. Making new friends is always at the top of her list! She’s not sure how long she’ll be available to do this, so act now, while it’s still free.

If you are interested in having Womensville come to your office, home or conference room, please contact info@womensville.com and we will send you a list of available dates for 2010.

Just Married….making the honeymoon last!

Here’s some tips on how to tap into that ‘honeymoon’ feeling at will. Yes even 6 years down the road, it will work!

Make a list of 10 things you did that really had not only your honeymoon be great but the behaviors and little tidbits that you contributed to your relationship when you were planning the wedding details, the day of the wedding and then throughout the honeymoon.

 

Here are some examples of what’s on my list.

1.Scratched hubby’s head while he was driving.(he had a bench seat of his truck then)

2.I gave him regular foot rubs after work.

3.I would tell him all of the fun and exciting things I did that day. Like the deals I got on wedding stuff and how everything was working out perfect!

Now your list might be a little different. We all do things that make our spouse feel special. This is all part of that ‘courting’ phase. Which does eventually wear off because it does take effort. For those keener’s out there, you can have your list be a daily goal…that is if you are not afraid of success. For the rest of you, do what you can, make the effort, and watch your relationship bank account be topped up, before your very own eyes!

Have fun with this. It’s important for every new bride to do this, so that she can be reminded of the kind of razzle dazzle she is capable of. This type of behavior is what can bring a wife who doesn’t want to be married anymore, back to a place of remembering why she married this guy. Why? Because of how he responds, that’s why. Try it. See for yourself.

Slap ya Mama’

So being a thoroughbred Vancouverite, my trip to Toronto really had me appreciate this slice of heaven we have here in BC.
My husband dropped me off outside the CityTV studio and the minute I stepped outside the car, I felt like I had been slapped in the face with the -17windchill, then whoooosh, right up my dress and thwacked right on my tushy! What a beating to undergo in 3 seconds! Thank heaven I got to sit in a warm studio to recover.

Andrea MacLeod

East Coast Bound.

Back in September my husband and I realized that if we were to continue living the lifestyle we were accustomed to that I’d need to go out and get a two day a week job. That was exactly the push I needed to get my book finished because heavens to mergatroid I was not going back to being a slave working my buns off to make someone else rich.

So anyway, since then I’ve gone great guns with finishing “Sister We Need to Talk” and then getting the website set up to support women who wanted to access more relationship success conversations. I’ve done all of this on a shoe string budget but none the less, money has gone out the door certainly not in the door.

The point I’m making right now is I had a vision. I knew I was worth more than what someone could pay me cooking at a restaurant (as I am a chef by trade) and my husband has witnessed me pursuing something he knows I am passionate about. 1.he knows I love to write and 2.He knows how important women and relationships are to me, and not once did he get in my way and stop me from moving forward with this.

I wanted to share this because I believe that every woman has a passion. Every woman knows that there is a part of her, that if taken away, she would shrivel up and die. There’s something that means as much to her as her own children. Or perhaps it’s her children themselves or husband that is her passion. We are all experts at something. Only until we share it with others do we really give our passion a life of  its own.

What’s yours?

Start up a New Forum Post and tell us about it. We need to hear from you. Your story means something. There is a woman right now who is looking to relate with someone like you! Your story is a gift to the world.

I’m a guest on Fridays Breakfast Television in Toronto this Friday (29th) I hope some of you get a chance to watch it so that you can put a face to the woman behind the monitor. I’ll be thinking of all of you while I’m there. Oh, what to wear?

With Kindness,

Andrea MacLeod.

Computer/TV Intake Assessment

Another week gone by. Myself and three other amazing women friends of mine have agreed to the challenge of monitoring our Computer and Television Ingesting. Some of us have limited ourselves to just 30 minutes a day of each. This is only Day 3 for me and so far I’ve failed, but have and will continue to make an effort of opening my awareness, assessing what would be an appropriate goal, based on my perceived realities of life. I am taking note of the times I use these two common household items as a way to avoid things that need attention or a way to numb any pain in my life.  Best of luck to my comrades, and if any of you care to join in, please do.  That just took up 6 minutes to write. A pleasure to give you my time. 24 minutes left….

Make it a great weekend friends,

Andrea MacLeod.

Not always in a Happy Place,

When I was dating,  I swore (to myself) that when I got married, I’d never be like the rest of the wives out there. I made sure that if my man was out with the guys and he heard them complaining about their wives that he would sit there proud and privileged knowing that I wasn’t like any of those women.(I’m recoiling right now YUK)  I was going to be different, special, unique, numero uno! Definitions of ego; an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others; your consciousness of your own identity. (Yah, that was me.)

The price that I have paid in living my marriage from my ego had left me paralyzed to take risks in my marriage.I felt I couldn’t ask my husband for more than what he was already providing for us. If I asked for what I wanted, and he said no, then letting it go would be the right thing to do.

In living color my attitude was the agent for my ego.  (My attitude is; I don’t need you, I can do it myself.)  My marriage, although functioning and working, was slowly dying. I didn’t’ see it coming.   In year ten of my marriage, it was as though my marriage had a heart attack, nearly fatal. Out of nowhere, it went from healthy, active, and alive to flat lining. My relationship was resuscitated at the June 2006 Sterling Woman’s Weekend, relationship seminar. My marriage was given a second chance, I got to piece together all that was falling apart.  I got up off the stretcher and into the arms of my marriage and turned everything around.
After a year or two went by, there were a few had heart palpitations, when things got hard I had thoughts of, “I’ll just keep making my relationship work, until the kids move out, then I’ll thank him for everything and tell him what a good father and husband he was, but that I had to leave because my heart and soul were paralyzed.” 

What I see now is that being in my ego is easy. Not having to expose myself is easy. Not being responsible is easy. Taking things personally and blaming others is easy.

I’ve always been a risk taker in my life, quite adventurous, seeking thrills, but not in my marriage. The kind of risking that was necessary there was too scary. Exposing my true self. Faults and all.

 The benefit I see in risking, for married women and  I”m talking about exposing ourselves risking, not ego gratifying, finger pointing risking, is that we eliminate the chance of atrophy of the heart. By risking we make room for our husbands to be our heros. By risking we are no longer confused. By exposing ourselves, our husband gets to know who his ever changing wife is.

I’m here if anyone wants to talk further about this.

 

Andrea MacLeod

Sunny Friday!

OK, So things are moving and shaking at WomensVille!

I’m blown away by all of you who have signed up for auto updates! My Web Designer at NetGenus is singing praises by the response of the site.

I feel like I just got my PhD in Tweeting, My Spacing, Digging and Blurbing. It sounds like I’ve been out doing Mules Work. I really need a manicure.

What a Bimbo that I didn’t know the difference between a forum and a blog.  I feel so old. Crikey my 14 year old knew more about all that stuff than I did. But I think I’m on track now and I’m assured it will be second nature within a few weeks. I’m already panicking about which user name and password was for what!

The Buzz of the 2010 Winter Olympics has begun. Traffics getting worse, and I’ve decided no more trips into town by car until spring.

I’ve got some crazy ideas going on in my head about phase 2 of the website, my next book and the possibilities I see for you and me at Womensville.

Can you say “Optimum Stress Level?” Yup. I think that sums up how life has been for me since September. I love it. I’ve hated it. I’ve had sleepless nights, and received my first “hate letter” so to speak on one of my posts and trying to keep humble and my ego in check.

Have a great weekend my friends. This is just the beginning of our amazing adventure together. I hope this place is going to feel like home for us all soon.

 

Big Smiles,

Andrea MacLeod.

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